Akbar is incommunicado

In the aftermath of the US election, we received the following press statement released by the Al-Akbar movement - the one promising revolution in Pakistan or Khaleejistan.

Akbar will not be checking his e-mails indefinitely and will be disassociating with all blogs and bloggers. He will be checking the colour of Barack Obama — it’s light brown, not black — and to eliminate all witnesses to the Obama-McCain bets with Anthony. Nara-e-Akbar Akbar Akbar.

Dear reader, stay tuned for this developing story.

Obama Wins! Akbar Dances!

As per the terms of the bet between Anthony and Akbar, the world now waits for this historic moment: our very own Akbar on youtube, draped in the Indian flag, dancing the bhangra, and shouting Democracy Zindabad!

So you can appreciate the sweetness of this moment, you should understand that Akbar thinks it his patriotic duty to direct all his farts in India's general direction, and considers Democracy to be American Imperialism not suited for the genuis of the Pakistani people. We are not sure about his Bhangra skills either.

Subhanllah!!

SubhanAllah! Prophet's Mosque, Medinah - drowned in a sea of lights -All thanks and credit to the skillfull Saudi Binladin Group (yes- Osama relatives) whose worker tolied day and night to build such a magnificent mosque - and continue to renovate and refurnish. By God! Osama and family shall be granted a place in Heaven -Inshallah! and so shall the King -All Hail the dead fat King!!

All hail Akbar's Samsung D-900 mobile, whose magnifient 3.0 megapixel camera captured this beautiful view for the world. All hail Akbar's vanity, for the camera is better than Amar's Gheesa Peeta (worn/torn) Canon, which has captured all sinful anatomic statues/busts of Florence and Spain. By God Amar and his Cannon will rot in hell.

Accommodation

Suite

The Simple but Stylish Executive Suits Are Favoured by Toop-level Business Travellers. Each Comes with Extra Ordinary Views and First Class Amenities.

:-) I will not name and shame the people who offer the Suit, but I have stayed with them, and the people working there are very nice. But their claims and their language are still ridiculous!

Garajti Khabrain Thundering News: India Declares War on Australia

State of Emergency Imposed; Indian Prime Minister makes Declaration of War.

In Breaking News coming to us from Delhi, India has made a formal Declaration of War against Australia. In stunning scenes carried live across the nation on Doordarshan, the Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh stood on the wall of Delhi's Red Fort with a sword raised in one hand, and declared: This is no monkey business, Yeh Hamara Mulk Hai! Aur Hum Is Ke Jism Par Loot ke Zakham Nahin Dekh Sakte!

Well informed sources from the Defence Ministery say that the Western Fleet of the Indian Navy has already set sail for Perth on Australia's Western Coast to bomb it into submission ahead of the 3rd Test Match. It is believed that the plan is to occupy Western Australia initially and establish a base there, with an autumn offensive to follow against the Sydney and Melbourne Cricket Grounds. Once Australia has been fully captured, it will be renamed Naya Desh and Biharis, Illegal Bangladeshis, Gujarati Muslims, Kashmiri Pundits, BA Graduates and other marginalised sections of society will be encouraged to move there. In Bihar, the first wave of potential emigrants has already started packing their bags and arriving at Patna Bus Station.

The invasion of Australia has near universal support among Indians, and an Indian Victory in Perth will boost the ruling Congress Party's electoral chances. The BCCI is believed to be secretly financing the invasion, as taking over Cricket Australia's infrastructure and players is seen as the best means of increasing Indian Cricket's brand value.

A Congress Party spokesman on condition of anonymity has said that once the invasion is completed, Monkeys will be introduced to Australian continent to make a moral point. "Once these Australians realise what charming animals monkeys are, they will realise that Harbhajan was not being racist. We are a mature and tolerant society, and the Australians should not be so sensitive and touchy. They are clearly over reacting to this incident."

Hear hear!

How the Benazir assassination has affected A-A-A

As his career in the import-export business hit a brick wall, Amar was looking for a new career. His facebook photo provided him with one. He is now Billawal Bhutto Zardari's body double. Girls, the womanising party animal is the real Billawal, so relax. Hardcore PPP activists, that guy quoting obscure Urdu poetry and irrelevant historical facts is Amar, but since the real Billawal can't speak Urdu, you're better off with the double,

Meanwhile, inspired by the fiery rhetorics of pretentious Bangladeshi blogs with names like deepshit and the trailer of Jodha Akbar, Akbar has joined politics. Not electoral politics though, his is the path of revolution. In the first communique of his group Al Akbar, Akbar stated from an undisclosed location that 'democracy has no meaning in Pakistan until all the feudal landlords are liquidated'. Then the crowd, or some kids, were heard chanting 'Nara-e-Akbar Akbar Akbar'. Then an elderly lady was heard yelling 'Oh my son, stop looking at those dirty pictures of Amsterdam'.

Anthony too has been affected by the assassination. Buoyed by the success of his solo investigative writing efforts (which includes such classics such as 'Joe DiMaggio killed JFK because the latter screwed Marilyn'), Anthony is about to unveil the true killer of Bibi - Asif Ali Zardari!

The secret correspondence of the brothers A* and A*

We have recently recovered this exchange of correspondence between the brothers A* and A*. Their obscure expressions and odd style of language seems alien to our modern sensibilities, and it may be that part of the discussion is in fact in a secret code. Certainly the Scholars who have so far inspected the letters, while attesting to their authenticity, have failed to provide any meaningful interpretation of them. One angry Scholar has even suggested that the authors of the letters may in fact just be speaking nonsense. We wholeheartedly agree with the Angry Scholarji.

The first letter:

Dear Dara Sikho

By the Will and Grace of Allah the most merciful, your brother in Islam has reached his destination safely. However as much did the Arab chics lure your brother with their silent beauty, and inspite of the vigorous inspection by the merciless Pakistani female security guard at the check-in counter, your Brother maintained his virginity and awaits a female slave of my right hand in return as gift of my patience.

May this message reach you in peace and may you bear hundreds of kids from the dodgy women of Amsterdam.

Allah O Akbar

Salam and Allah Hafiz

A* yar wali


The Second letter

Dear fratricidal Alamgir Aurangzeb

Has your moustache disappeared due to the inspiration of the prophet, peace be upon him, or because of the hard stares and questions of the bastard bureaucrats of Vilayet?

I am gratified to hear of your safe and timely return to the fortress of Islam, where you will be safe from the unchaste seductresses and temptresses of the wasted west. There in ritual purity you can concentrate on singing the praise of god and earning extravagant tax free salaries as your reward on earth.

Please give my regards to your devout and devoted parents, whose constant prayers and
virtuous lives acted as a prophylactic when their son arrived in the immoral west, protecting him from being impregnated by lustful corruptions and desires, in the same way a condom-shaped Marks and Spencer cap protected your head from the cold.

Since your departure, It has turned much colder here, which would seem to imply that hell has frozen over. We trust that you are in warmth and comfort however.

Allah's curse on all unbelievers,

Yours Sincerely

Your father Shah Jahan.

Air Khalistan

Air Khalistan

The Future Vision

Air Khalistan represents the Sikh Nation's committment to comfortable travel for all passengers, state of the culinary art Khalistani Cuisine, enroute strengthening and stretching exercise facility and new nondenominational breakthrough scientific Khalistani Meditation to further enhance the relaxation and minimize the jet lag for the passengers. Outer space flying will also be an option where airplane speed of Mach 3-5 will be the standard norm. It will minimize the travel time and make business travel more efficient. Air Khalistan look forward to serving you with enthusiasm in the future.

Thanks for visiting our web site.

CEO

Air Khalistan

Khalistani Cuisine

-Khalistani Prindey

(Chicken Tandoori)

-Khalistani Haria Maujan

(Saag)

-Khalistani Ladaki Chicken

(Green Chilli Chicken)

-Khalistani Mithian Maujan

(Ras Malai)

.......... and many more1 Please stay tune.

***

Amar: I wish I could say I made this up. But this is from Khalistan.Net, and those are the wise words of Air Khalistan's CEO. They might even be serious. You can visit the original site here:
http://www.khalistan.net/air-khalistan.html

A-A-A on the coming revolution in Khaleejistan

As Chapati reports, they have shut down Geo TV in Dubai. The dictator in Pakistan is afraid of the media. Sheikhs in Dubai are probably afraid too, about possible political tremors in their fiefdoms. While we await the fall of the dictator in Pakistan, here’s a conversation we had some time ago.

Anthony

In Syriana, the disaffected youth from a Dubai-like place turns to Jihad. While this hasn't actually happened, could something similar happen? In next few decades, as the age of oil ends, what will happen to the millions of Desis that make up the underclass in the Gulf?

Akbar

I have never seen/heard about Desi youth in the Gulf being recruited for Jihad. So far I have only heard of the NWFP and Kashmir as recruitment centres. So, a Syriana-like situation is not happening. The only resistance in Saudi is from Shiias and Al Qaeda, who tend to be mostly Arab. Dubai or Oman is the last place I would think about recruiting.

As for when the oil runs out, well, the expats will be f..ked. They are nowhere. Those who have emigrated to the west know that’s where they will settle. People in Desh know their future is, well, either in poverty or in plenty. But people in Middle East don’t know where they belong. If they go back to Desh, they face adjustment problem, and then there is the political uncertainty. If they go West, well, they may not get visa and in any case, they will never save enough to have a comfortable lifestyle similar to what they have in Middle East.

Anthony

See this is my point. Depending on how you count it, 20 to 80% of residents in most cities in the region are expats, and many expats have spent most of the past 3 decades there. One can't seriously expect them to be evicted without tension. I suspect when the oil era ends, the political geography of the region will look very different. When the oil era ends, the current monarchies will probably be overthrown. This could happen in a number of ways.

One scenario, 'good' but very unlikely, is that there would be democratic transformation that gives expats citizenship rights. A more likely, 'bad', scenario is a series of military coups. Some young officer like Nasser will overthrow the house of Saud. But Arab nationalism is a spent force, so these young army men will have to have something else to legitimise their rule, and the support of the expats might be at a premium. The ‘ugly’ scenario, also quite likely, is radical Islam in a new incarnation. Islam is an internationalist ideology. It is very conceivable that Islamist parties with mass support, as opposed to the militants and insurgents, could rise. These parties will have huge support among Desis – for all the pictures of Bose and Bin Laden, Desis like mass parties like Congress and League.

So Akbar, the future belongs to you. In fact, you should start organising this mass party. You could become the Zulfi Bhutto of Khaleejistan. We could call you Khaleej-bandhu. When you take over, hire me as an economic advisor or something. And we'll get Amar to make movies about you.

Amar

Thank you thank you, for this great honour, for which I am fully qualified and all — after all, I have watched Triumph of the Will by Leni Riefenstahl.

First, Akbar, serene, god-like, is seen in his PIA flight high up in the air, eating PIA's delicious poached egg. We hear a divine fart of approval.

Then we see the arrival of the Qaid in the city of Dubai, where the annual party conference has been organised. There is a massive motorcade which unfortunately can't proceed slowly through the city due to suicide bombers. However, skillful cutting and chopping of camera angles shows the Neta’s motorcade sweeping through town

CUT

And crowds cheering as the statue of Saddam Hussein is first covered by US Flag then toppled over

CUT

A sea of demonstrators as far as the eye can see, waving , what is this, photos of Ayatollah Khomeini, yelling "We love...

CUT

"Akbar”

(voiceover) Death to the Shah!

CUT

Akbar, clearly standing in Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park, waving his arms to everyone.

CUT

Back to the convoy speeding through town, and a quick and awkward cut as it is seen running over an old man.

A Sub-title appears on screen: Millions of followers come our to greet their Great Leader.

Musharraf's Bitch

Emergency or not
what difference does it make?
Even a four legged animal knows
Musharraf was here and
will stay!!
Why a two legged politician not fathom
this?
Musharraf's bitch is surprised to say!

Know they not this;
Power and love are always in a haste

Even Muhammed rushed to Medina
to save his chair of the day.

Are bengalis so foolish
to accept democracy their only fate?
Even Hasina's Sari
unwraps her body for the Lathi of the day
and BB's salwar
catches the martial color
to remain in place!!

Only a bald man in Makkah knows
Promises are broken to be made.

Fatwa for the Protection of the Islamic Identity of Cricket in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan

Fatwa for the Protection of the Islamic Identity of Cricket in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. as Jointly Issued by the Beard-Wearing Members of the Pakistan Team, and Custodians of the Two Holy Cricket Grounds (Gaddafi Lahore and National Stadium Karachi)

Praise be to Allah, who created the bat and the ball. Praise be to his prophet, peace be upon him, who made cricket neither haram nor makruh. Praise be to the warrior of Islam Javed Miandad, who gave us victory against the enemy nation with a last ball six. Praise also to the Laws of Cricket, which have the dignity to recognise that a man should wear trousers, and grow his beard. May Allah bless Pakistan and the Pakistan cricket team, and may the grey hairs of wisdom grow on the beard of our captain Shoaib Malik. Brothers and Sisters, worshippers of the one Allah, admirers of the great game of cricket, and citizens of the Islamic republic of Pakistan, you know these are troubled times for our faith, game and nation, as infidel shadows lengthen overhead, and the bright light of Islam fades from the sky. It all began with the replacement of the bearded Mushtaq Ahmed, who led the team prayers, by the wily spinner Kaneria. Then they started to schedule cricket games during Ramadan, and when Shahid Afridi said he could not both pray and observe the Ramadan fast, his commitment was brought into question! Then, our glorious leader Inzamam, wielder of the double-edged bat, khutba-giver on the Friday prayers, was dropped for good, purportedly for bringing the team to the true faith! This is no doubt the instigation of American infidels led by George Bush who command their lap-dog the secular poodle carrying dicator Pervez Musharraf.

Sixty years ago, our ancestors fought for the creation of Pakistan, a nation where Muslims could be Muslims without fear, without hindrance, free to practice and preach their religion. Today we see the mockery of the blood of our martyrs that in this so called Islamic Republic, Muslims are not allowed to say their prayers, and observe the holy month of fasting. Those in charge have forgotten the sacred cry of our ancestors: Pakistan ka matlab kya, la illaha illallah!

We as believers, custodians of the holy pitches and stadiums, wielders of the bat and ball in the name of the green flag, in order to preserve, protect, and promulgate our faith, demand with immediate effect the following rules be implemented to safeguard the Islamic identity of Pakistan cricket:

1. No cricket during the holy month of Ramadan

2. Intervals during all cricket matches to be based around muslim prayer times, not foreign lunch and tea breaks.

3. Separate sitting of men and women at stadiums

4. No wearing of tight trousers or rubbing the ball against crotch, thereby inflaming passions of young virgins.

5. No earrings or foreign hair styles to be adopted by crickters. Instead, an official Mullah-certified barber to be appointed to travel with the team and give proper haircuts and beard-trimmings.

6. The foreign appeal of 'How is that' to be replaced by the cry of 'Inshallah', because Allah is the greatest Umpire. If Allah is willing, the umpire will give it out

7. Shoaib Malik to grow a beard in the example shown by the great Inzaman-ul-Haq, and start leading the Friday prayers.

8. Replacement of techinical Foreign coach with a homegrown khutba-giving Mullah. His inflammatory oratory will be all the motivation our boys need to triumph over their opponents.

Where there is faith, there is no coaching required! Is Jihad fought from the heart, or through a textbook?

9. Crowds to be encouraged to cry out "Allah-u-Akbar" at the fall of every wicket, scoring of ever run, four or six, instead of secular chants like the infernal "Hoo Haa Hoo Haa"

May Allah bless the Pakistan cricket team!

On (profiling) the Hyderabadis….

Indian Hyderabadis that is –not the Pakistan side Sindhi Hyderabadis. Sindhis are too cunning and nice to be Indian. Look at Bhutto –what a nice cunning guy!!

Having spent two years of my career so far sitting next to one and interacting with 5 others on a daily basis, I have a fair idea to be able to write something on Hyderabadi ‘muslim’ men and their ways.

In short, they are the kind who perform ablution not to pray but to eat biryani or kichdi (a kind of lentil mixed with rice concoction –fed in Pakistan to the poor and constipated) depending on day of the week. Generally it is a Tuesday or it could also be a ‘ChaarShamba’ –(a weird hyderabadi word for Wednesday as opposed to the standard Urdu -budh).

Both ways the biryani begins the day and kichdi ends it. In between come the lethargy, pussy and insatiable cunning ‘pull your pant down along with your leg’ kind of jealousy –especially at workplace.

Sitting next one, I realized the importance of keeping good relations with your Mamu (maternal uncle) –especially if he is a land owning multi millionaire – note owning land is not a credit for talent –jus the bastard’s luck.

Second –as soon as you get a decent job –GET MARRIED.

Food and marriage can be such emotional issue for my Hyderabadi friends, to the point of their ego being hurt. Although a common desi understanding is that if a man hasn’t married by 33 -35, he must be gay or have a weakness.

Well for Hyderabadis, it’s all the above and it’s the exclusion from the group of friends who used to be single and biryani mates and now are married. It is the silent accusative sense of being an outcast.

And as for food, if you manage to forget to invite a friend to your wedding reception, it can mean years of kichdi situation with the friend.

With their typical high pitched nasal accent, Hyderabadis can be one trusted Pakistani loyalist. Take the 1992 cricket world cup. When Pakistan won, most of Hyderabad celebrated the win – some say at a grander scale than the Pakistanis. Who celebrated Pakistani nukes in India? Hyderabadis. Whose fission material is being used in a Hyderabadi Nuclear Plant- the one and only Pakistan’s Dr. A.Q. Khan. (facts not verified).

Only if they knew what a fantastic roller coaster they would be on had they moved to Pakistan.

Somehow understanding Hyderabadis enabled me to a slightly to understand the working meaning of life. It just is. That’s how things are for them and that’s how you are supposed to deal with it.

There is no life is too short, life planning, or what am I doing in this world kind chasing your tail questions. Sweet and practical –the ones who do turn out to be philosophical turn into match fixing Azharuddins. The ones who go haywire by divorcing a wife of 10+ yrs for a hot model –sensible thing to do for some or maybe carrying around a wad of cash in their cricket gear bag enabling them to buy their roommate’s watch off their wrist- simply out of whim or fancy.

When married –they are self educated in dealing with wives – one has to cajole them, negotiate persuade. You marry because you friend/class fellow 'Rizwan' married. You marry for kids, to expand the generation. All that talk about true love, mutual understanding, altruistic orientations, sacrifice, and companionship is nonsense – practical is the way to go.

And as every hyderabadi phrase to confirm understading of the above ends with - HOU!?

A-A-A want democracy and test cricket

Amar: If this deal between BCCI and Zee TV is cancelled, it will be good for all. Stupid BCCI is trying to find another broadcaster. Let's get rid of all the one-dayers, and have a bloody extra practice game in Australia. And maybe an extra test in England instead of 7 one dayers!

Anthony: I presume the idea is to 'improve' irish cricket. Irish cricket would be better served if India played a three or four-dayer against Ireland. This would also give the Indian team good conditioning practice.

Amar: Oh no. Nothing to do with Irish cricket. The idea was to honour the 200 million plus deal done with Zee TV for playing offshore one-dayers in non-test centres (if played in test country, the local cricket board has the TV rights apparently — don't know how). Thus the 3 one-ayers with South Africa. I think the one match with Ireland was just a sop — they are also playing Pakistan in Scotland, without playing Scotland.

Anthony: What do you think will end first — this obsession with one day cricket, or military rules in Pakistan and Bangladesh?

Akbar: This obsession with one-day cricket shows that the people of Pak-Bangla lack the genius for democracy. Only when the people are ready for test cricket can democracy succeed!

Dictator 1 - Mullahs 0

Maulana Abdul Aziz of Lal Masjid had previously been extremely vocal about the willingness of his followers to become martyrs for the cause. But when the time came, the Mullah himself proved a little less eager, preferring to try and sneak away pretending to be a woman, dressed in a burqa and carrying a handbag.

As the Mullah turned from a figure of awe into an object of ridicule, the Dictator's Government took the opportunity to humiliate their opponents further, parading this firebrand Jihadi leader on PTV wearing a burqa, a symbolic castration of this self appointed warrior of the faith.

Meanwhile, Al-Qaeda's No.2 man Ayman Al-Zawahari is pretty pissed off to see this humiliation of his Pakistani allies. He had some nasty things to say about General Musharraf in his latest video, including the following rant:

I talk to you today on the occasion of the criminal aggression carried out by Musharraf, his army and his security organs - the Crusaders' hunting dogs - against Lal Masjid in Islamabad, and on the occasion of the dirty, despicable crime committed by Pakistani military intelligence - at the orders of Musharraf - against Maulana Abdul Aziz Ghazi when it showed him on television in women's dress.

(...) Musharraf and his hunting dogs have rubbed your honor in the dirt in the service of the Crusaders and the Jews, and if you don't retaliate for your honor, Musharraf won't spare any of you, and won't stop until he eradicates Islam from Pakistan. Lowly Musharraf, who has sold his honor and religion to the Crusaders and Jews, is arrogant with you in the extreme and regards you with the utmost contempt, and treats you like animals and dogs, and only is satisfied by portraying you in the lowliest and most despicable light.

Anarkali readding' 'Pregnancy testing kit' instructions.

Source : History of Mughals - British Library - publisher 'KATZ PAWZ'.

Garajti Khabrain : Bazaar Rumours – Basant/Holi Edition

We at AAA Garajti Khabrain noted the exaggerated tabloid trash presented by ‘The news of the world’ and decided to take action in response by offering our readers “authentic” Tabloid news, from everywhere and no where.
We hope you enjoy our debut selection below and look forward to your comments.


Historical Archives


'Gandhi dies a Muslim!

Our History correspondent reports from the archives that Gandhi had secretly converted to Islam just weeks before he was shot, and had been planning a move to Pakistan. Having been persuaded by one of his many so called adopted Muslim sons, he had started fasting to catch up on all the fasts he lost during his infidel days. This was misreported by Influenced news papers as fasting in protest against Muslim mis-treatment at the time, but it was actually Ramadan Fast.

It is also noted, when he was shot, the words from his mouth were not ‘Hey Ram!’, instead it has been proven by witness account he said ‘Bye Ram! Followed by the Islamic Shahadah ‘there is no god but Allah and Muhammad (SAW) is the messenger of Allah.’





Zulfy Bhutto and Zia were gay lovers!!

Zia-ul-Haq the now dead dictator shot Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto in torment, because he was spending more time with Atal Behari Vajpayee the Indian Foreign Minister during Ayub's reign. This was disclosed from secret letters revealed by the sentry standing guard outside his lock up at the time.
The sentry also confirmed the rumour which was published in Salman Rushdie’s book ‘Shame’ about Zia-ul-Haq shooting Zulfy, when Zulfy called his mother names. However, the real reason was the ongoing affair with Atal Behari Vajpayee.
Our correspondent posed the above revelation to Atal Jee, but gave up trying to wait for the answer because it took him 3 hours to open his mouth.



Current Affairs

Osama the masseur!

Osama B. Laden was seen giving champi (masseur/malish) in Old lahore near the Data Darbar. He can also be found distributing Pulao Zarda (kind of Punjabi rice dish) to the worshippers who come to pay respects to Data Ganj Baksh (sufi saint). Nearby Ayman Al Zawahiri was frying samosas and his sons running a Saloon where Mohd. Rafi used to get a hair cut during his younger days.

Benazir holding feminist orgies in Dubai. Sonia Gandhi is chief guest –caught pole dancing.!!!

The now deposed ex-prime minister of Pakistan, celebrated women’s day Oxford Uni style. Women celebrities and politicians attended this bash. Sonia Gandhi of congress party was caught pole dancing after drinking 6 shots of Bombay Sapphire.




Taliban's Secret New Weapon

Taliban are buying kites because they can no longer afford bullets for their Ak-47s. The price of bullets has shot up to Rs45/a bullet in Peshawar, due to high demand among Punjabis wanting to fire guns in the air at weddings, as well as rise of foreign Jihadi groups in the area with fat Saudi-filled wallets! Taliban have decided to invest in a new long-range weapon which they learned to use as refguee children in Lahore -- the long wire Kite. Top Secret Taliban Scientists are still working out how to make Kite invisible to human eye and radar by painting it sky blue.

Shiv Sena camapigns for sexier depiction of Hindu Goddesses
Bal Thackeray claims: Sita's divine breasts a must see!

Shiv Sena have launched a new campaign demanding that Hindu Goddesses be depicted in a sexier manner. Explained Bal Thackeray "Our Hindutva Historians have discovered that conservative dress is a foreign muslim influence. Our scriptures make clear that Sita and Parvati and other Goddesses liked to go topless, and flaunt their divine breasts. But all the statues and images one sees are of them dressed like Mother Teresa! This is not the Hindu way!"

Shiv Sainiks have even been going around town instructing calendar artists, idol-makers and temple priests to replace existing images and idols with new ones featuring greater nudity and titillation.

In light of this, the VHP issued a press statement claiming that Valentine's Day was really a Hindu festival, St Valentine actually being in fact a Bhakti saint. An RSS spokesman said that party agreed with Shiv Sena, and that they would be encouraging young Hindu women to follow the example of the Goddesses and dress more sexily.

Experts report a huge arousal of interest among Indian men at these latest developments.

Sports


Shoaib wanted to have knees massaged in UK –Favorite masseuse Ayesha Resides in Eastham is a specialist in massaging fast bowlers’ knees. Ayesha’s mother Zainab used to massage Imran Khan’s knees during his stress fracture times, until her own knees gave way.
Shoaib will also use this opportunity to fly Kite with Ayesha on the roof top of her home. As he will miss Basant back home.


Entertainment News

Salman Rushdie zapped by flying Qurans!

Salman Rushdie the controversial writer of Satanic Verses was found lying unconscious in the British Library. He was rushed to hospital. The librarian has informed us that he was working in the Islam Section where he found Salman on the floor unconscious. He was holding a copy of the Quran and his hands were bleeding through lacerations.

Mr. Rushdie is in coma and the hospital administration has not made any official comments.

***

Posted by Amar and Akbar

1940-47: Hooker’s Freedom Song

(Parody of the Freedom poem ‘Sarfaroshi ki Tamanna’ written by Indian Revolutionary Ram Prasad Bismil)

Here’s what a hooker from the 1930s/40s Independence struggle song would be. I wrote the urdu version which is much more in tune with the original, however for the english readers I have attempted a translation.

Enjoy!

Urdu Version
=========

Jism Faroshi Kii Tamanna Ab Hamaray dil mein hai
Dhandha hai Thup, Jab sey Gandhi aur Jinnah nay kiya hai gand
Pachas rupay kay truck driver sey behtar, goray ka diya hua zakhm.

Azmaya hai humnay sab barey logon ko,
Bata dein gaye aaj unki kamzoriyan bistar mein hum!
Jism Faroshi Kii Tamanna Ab Hamaray Dil mein hai

Nehru ko Azmaa kay dekha, nikla usk kharab lun
Gandhi ka to dus saal ki umar mein ho gaya sub kuch khatam
Netaji Bose ka hai sub sey chota, aur kuch bolnay ka nahi hummay dum
Jinnah ka humko maloom nahin pee kay rehta hai who hamesha tun!
Mountbatten kay uppar paisa hai khatam
Radcliffe kii maa kasam, Bhagat kay pass ek pota (testicle) hai Kum

Jism Faroshi Kii Tamanna Ab Hamaray Dil mein hai!

English Version
============

The desire to sell our body is in our hearts
Business is down, ‘cause Gandhi Jinnah have made such a mess
Better be inflicted by the white man than the fifty rupee pathan truck driver

Tried I have all these big men
Reveal I shall their weaknesses in bed
The desire to sell our body is in our hearts

Nehru failed like a rusty machine on first trial
Gandhi had lost everything at the age of ten
Netaj’s was so small, I have no words to express my shock!
Know we nothing about Jinnah, for he remained always drunk.
Mountbatten was the one with money to really spend
I swear by Radcliffe, Bhaghat had one testicle less.

The desire to sell our body is in our hearts.


Inquilaab Zindabad!!!

On making and breaking engagements

Khatuba, Mangaitar, Fiance are the words used to describe that notional relationship between man and woman in Arabic, Urdu and English respectively. This is the stage of limbo. The two are not courting nor are they married. They are just stuck in the middle, where light conversations are acceptable but meetings are not.

The phone bills keep increasing. The emotionally numb start sending flowers, the miserly become spendthrift. Depending on the person you decide to engage, the conversations on phones can be uplifting or disastrous during mood swings.

Initial expectations of intimacy and involvement in each others lives over long distance wears out with one’s own drudgery of everyday work. And if you are Desi and live in a slightly more extended family setup, then you are done for.

This is even worse if its long distance. Either the two never talk and meet on the wedding night like strangers group hugging in a testicular cancer counseling group. Or they talk so regularly - That the passion burns out.

The stereotype fed into the Desi psyche is that the woman has to adopt tactics to squeeze as much out of her husband after marriage as possible and the husband has to flirt as much to get her to cook and gift her with an army of kids –until they fall in love.

The Desi girl wants to impose her own ideas of how life should be lived. The guy wants to be laid back and face each event in its own time or vice versa unusually.

Recently the writer had the pleasure of going through a break up. Alhamdulillah minimum pain experienced.

I also got the stuff/gift shift back from ex-fiancée. Any body wanna buy a used sony ericsson walkman mobile (excluding the sentiments) ;)?

My mum is worried that the ex to be mother in law has cursed the stuff with black magic.

So I just popped open a can of corn which for some strange reason mum gifted them.....err feel sick .my tongue has gone yellow. Help!!...gasp..Oh .its just the artificial coloring. !!!

Amar pa ji - u remember the 'Book of the Book' my valuable collector's item...she has not returned it!! :(

Never give book gifts to a Desi fiancée unless she holds dual nationality - the library card system has its benefits. In contrast to buying right off the pirated thela wala! (street Hawker) It teaches people the discipline of returning books to the rightful owner!

She could have kept the jewelry, but the book!! Sad! The jewelry will be sold to...who else the jewelers, who will melt the gold and silver - but the book cannot be even ripped apart and sold page by page to a raddi wala (recycler) as oh toilet paper?.because only approx 12/150 pages have text in it...yes the rest is blank, and its rough quality paper.

Oh Idrees Shah! Forgive this disobedient attempted but failed Sufi student for the charming tentacles of a woman made me lose what God never granted me....peace of mind.


Go in peace my friends.

Titanic: The curse of Allah

This is the real ishtorey of Titanic – the ship, the philm and the fornicating occupants including Jack (ass) and Rose (the hoe).

By the Will and Grace (not that lesbian/gay friendship sitcom) of Allah, the Titanic truth behind Titanic will be revealed unto all within the space permitted by this post and through the infidel support of Amar and Anthony.

In the name of Allah the most Gracious and Merciful.

We start with the ship. It is a huge ass mofo ship brothers and sistas. It is meant to be a means of transport but used like a five star hotel by these western infidels, where casino, drinking and fornication are permitted with privacy not available on land during those times!

Such privacy and such distance! Ideal for the Satan - the enemy of Allah. Why should he be left out of all the fun!

As the American expression goes ‘to cut to the chase’, while ass and hoe (oops!. I mean Jack and Rose) make out in the back seat of a Cadillac probably(?)…the fat ass captain was slurping tea down in his cabin.

What happens to a unpiloted cruise ship without headlights in the middle of Atlantic ocean? It crashes into an ice berg… that’s what happens brotha and sistas.

But wait my friends. This crash was meant to be. For Allah had sealed the eyes and hearts of the infidel despite the excellent indoor five star chandelier lighting within the ship. For they were not meant to see the ice berg as it was Allah’s will.

Such is the price that the passengers had to pay for the sins of Jack and Rose. Such is the price Allah extracts from Rose for her beyond the limit ubarhti jawani (excessively overactive youth estrogen).

As the cruise ship tilted vertically, the Dajjal’s daughter managed to cling on to the railing…while all passengers just fell and fell into the dark waters of the Atlantic. Instead of submitting to Allah’s will the Dajjal strives to live through this challenge from Allah so as to seduce more future Jacks into asses and to carry the satanic generation forward in the form a seed planted by the gullible and seducible Jack.

On a side note, before the ships tilts, the musicians keep playing oblivious to the panic around them. They were NOT soul extracting Israfeels (death angels). They were waiting to be paid from the guy who hired them.

In the end, what happens my dear reader? history always repeats itself. Jack sinks and sinks to the bottom of the sea, trying to save that infidel seed carried by Rose. But was he not knowledgeable that the vile hoe intended to exchange his life for the precious gem given unto her by an ex-Fiance.

The cursed woman carried on with her life obtaining a nice flat on mortgage in Amerika and what’s more she also got a green card. Poor hard working Mexicans spend their lives trying to cross the border and obtain green card, while this daughter of Dajjal manages to get all this by doing nothing other than seducing Jack and cheating a rich man out his gems.

Finally, we see in the movie that old Rose throws the precious gem into the ocean. It is only a guise. The real gem is placed in a safety deposit box in Chase Manhattan Bank.

Such a fine actor this old Rose is? She shamelessly admits to lying naked on a cruise sofa, to have sketch made out by the gullible Jack.

Surely dear reader, with occupants like Jack and rose, this ship was to be cursed and meet its ill fate. May Allah have mercy on the soul of the many ignorant and innocent passengers. Amen.

Why do the Legs of Man turn clockwise?

This if the Flag of the self-governing kingdom of the Isle of Man. The Emblem of the three conjoined legs has been a symbol of the Isle of Man's independence and unique identity since the 13th century.

So why do the Three Legs of Man turn clockwise? Here's a clue:



















What country lies to the east of the Isle of Man? And which direction do the legs face? That's right. The Isle of Man will never kneel to England !