Alfonso, the Shehenshah

If mango is the king of fruits, then alphonso must be the shehenshah, the king of kings. Here is the finest fruit of the nation, integral part of our culture and heritage, one of our great treasures and delights, and it's got the name of a portuguese villain? In the proud land of indigenous naming and renaming - of rajiv chowk and indira gandhi international hawai adda and sanjay gandhi national park and jawaharlal nehru university, why has the local alphonso mango not been given a heroic desi name?

Instead it continues to flaunt a bastard colonial imperialist name! (apologies to all desi brothers named alfonso, but the mango is not named after you now, is it!) Oh history is confusing and noone seems to know for sure how the luscious alfonso started being called that, but the dastardly portuguese clearly had a hand, and the most famous alfonso in indian history (and quite possibly the source of the mango name) was the vicious murderer and torturerer Alfonso d'Albuqerque, who used to entertain himself by cutting of ears and tongues of desi brothers and sisters and sowing on those of dogs in their place, a bastard and villain if ever there was one!

How then can our sweet and pure mango be an alfonso? A name change is in order. And yet, not a wrinkly politican or freedom fighter please. Mahatma Gandhi Mango hardly rolls off the tongue, and such a name is more likely to spoil our appetite than anything else. It is therefore my suggestion that henceforth alphonso mango be known as madhuri mango, after our beloved madhuri who is beautiful and sweet and loved by all indians, whose name rhymes so beautifully with mango, and who is much renowned for what desis from the great sanskrit poets of antiquity down to your local taxi driver like to compare with their favourite fruit - yes, mangoes!

Down with imperialist foreign villains! Hail the Madhuri Mango!