Jis Desh Main Ganga Behti Hai

The Mumbai Indians' next home game on April 27 may not feature the much talked about cheerleaders. Though there is no official word as yet, a minister in the Maharashtra government spoke out against them. "We live in India where womanhood is worshipped. How can anything obscene like this can be allowed?," asked Siddharam Mhetre, the minister of state for home affairs.

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The Minister then started singing Hum us desh ke vasi hai jis desh main Ganga behti hai. That's when everyone realised the Minister had been living in his own fantasy world since 1960.

Garajti Khabrain Thundering News: India Declares War on Australia

State of Emergency Imposed; Indian Prime Minister makes Declaration of War.

In Breaking News coming to us from Delhi, India has made a formal Declaration of War against Australia. In stunning scenes carried live across the nation on Doordarshan, the Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh stood on the wall of Delhi's Red Fort with a sword raised in one hand, and declared: This is no monkey business, Yeh Hamara Mulk Hai! Aur Hum Is Ke Jism Par Loot ke Zakham Nahin Dekh Sakte!

Well informed sources from the Defence Ministery say that the Western Fleet of the Indian Navy has already set sail for Perth on Australia's Western Coast to bomb it into submission ahead of the 3rd Test Match. It is believed that the plan is to occupy Western Australia initially and establish a base there, with an autumn offensive to follow against the Sydney and Melbourne Cricket Grounds. Once Australia has been fully captured, it will be renamed Naya Desh and Biharis, Illegal Bangladeshis, Gujarati Muslims, Kashmiri Pundits, BA Graduates and other marginalised sections of society will be encouraged to move there. In Bihar, the first wave of potential emigrants has already started packing their bags and arriving at Patna Bus Station.

The invasion of Australia has near universal support among Indians, and an Indian Victory in Perth will boost the ruling Congress Party's electoral chances. The BCCI is believed to be secretly financing the invasion, as taking over Cricket Australia's infrastructure and players is seen as the best means of increasing Indian Cricket's brand value.

A Congress Party spokesman on condition of anonymity has said that once the invasion is completed, Monkeys will be introduced to Australian continent to make a moral point. "Once these Australians realise what charming animals monkeys are, they will realise that Harbhajan was not being racist. We are a mature and tolerant society, and the Australians should not be so sensitive and touchy. They are clearly over reacting to this incident."

Hear hear!

Sympathy for Ravan

I have some sympathy for Ravan, the ten-headed villain of the Ramayan. The logic behind it is fairly tenuous and stretched, but I make no claims to the truth, instead I prefer to read his story as I would like it to be. My version goes something like this:

In essence, I think Ravan was at his end an unhappy soul, weary of his own existence, desperate for an escape. In his youth, foolish and arrogant, he had prayed to Brahma and asked for immortality. Brahma slipped in a couple of loop-holes so that he wasn't quite immortal, but did make him virtually indestructible, or very difficult to kill.

As time went on, Ravan realised that life was not a blessing, it was a curse. He saw that existence was fundamentally unsatisfactory, that pleasures were fleeting, that happiness was elusive. He wrote the Shiva Tandav Stotra, a hymn to Shiva, in which he lamented:

Kada Sukhi Bhavamye Hum?
When will I be happy?

Eventually, he came to the realisation that as long as there was life, there is suffering. That the only way he could escape his predicament would be to die. But Brahma's boon made him virtually indestructible, and he continued to suffer, his suffering far longer and greater than other mortals who had the release of death.

Eventually, he realised that there was a way out, if Vishnu in human form as Ram was to take his life, then he would be unburdened of the shackles of existence. It was thus that he devised a ruse to provoke Rama by kidnapping his wife Sita, by refusing to return her and forcing Ram to kill Ravan to preserve his honour and recover his wife.

It can thus be seen that when Ravan kidnaps Sita, he does not have sexual relations with her, instead mostly staying away from her. He says he is waiting for her to agree to marry him, but really, Ravan was waiting for Rama's deliverance, for the death which would be his freedom.

And that is my version of Ravan's story.

If Amar Akbar Anthony travelled together around Europe...

It never happened, but if it had, it would have happened like this:

Three shady looking and badly dressed desi men travel around Europe with backpacks scaring innocent train passengers and immigration officials...what a gang! There should be a movie about our train trip. I can see it now. We will probably have to ask the train driver to slow down so the various attractive vixens who cross our paths can dance scandalously on top of the train...

Naturally there will be a bunch of sexy desi girls in mini skirts travelling together in the same train as us. There will probably also be an Egyptian spy carrying top secret documents about the American-Zionist plot to invade the Islamic holy-places, but he will probably get killed by the Israeli Mossad femme fatale with tight leather pants and bountiful cleavage. However, he would have hours before slipped the secret disc containing the information into Anthony's coat pocket.

Then with time running out, and various sinister parties chasing us, we will have to go to Southall for a dinner meeting with a one-eyed man called Mogambo Gabbar Singh, and meet our contact from ISI in a shady nightclub where an Indian...

You get the idea...

Once upon a time in India (cont'd)

Amar and Akbar arrive in a large covered market. They walk through the myriad of stores selling clothes, jewellery, furniture and household items to arrive in front of a tailors’.

The sign reads PIPALINAGAR TAILORS’. There is an elderly man in one corner reading a vernacular newspaper. A man is haggling over the price of a suit. A schoolboy is having his uniform measured.

Amar walks up to the counter and asks: Me and my brother here were wondering if you had a pair of Japanese shoes?

It’s a tailors’, not a shoe shop. The man in the counter replies. But we do have a number of fine English trousers.

No thank you. But I would be interested in a red Russian hat. Amar responds.

The elderly man leaves his newspaper and steps in: Ah we have just the thing for you, please come this way.

Desh: an alternative history — the constitution

Some time ago, we started exploring the possibility of a Desi Commonwealth coming out of a violent non-cooperation movement. In this post, we follow up on the idea.

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As par the Government of India Act of 1930, a constitution was drafted for the new country to be formally named the Commonwealth of India (somewhere along the way, Desh has become the popularly used term). The constitution was drafted by Chakravarty Rajagopalachari, or CR. Head of the Congress party in the southern province of Madras (now Tamil Nadu), CR was known for his conservative leanings, and these were apparent in the constitution.

There were two major issues that the constitution needed to tackle. First of these, the relationship between the Commonwealth and Britain, is no longer an issue in 2007. But the second — how Desh's mosaic of religious, ethnic, caste and class of peoples coexist — still very much is.

The British were concerned that the new Commonwealth would ally itself with hostile powers, and appropriate substantial British economic interests. To assuage such fears, the constitution included a 25 year Indo-British defence pact.

The constitution was modelled on that of the United States, with a very weak centre and strong states. The centre had power over nothing more than defence, foreign affairs including trade, and monetary policy. Unlike any other federation in the modern world (including the Commonwealth in 2007), the centre had no fiscal power except for tariff and customs duty. The states made constitutionally guaranteed contribution (based on the size of the economy, revised once every decade) for defence and the functioning of the central government. Only in the time of national emergency, such as a state of war, could the centre raise taxes.

No independent source of revenue meant that the central government could not intrude on the states' affairs — or so the framers of the constitution thought (oh how wrong they were). Only effective constraints on the state’s rights were that: there were to be no economic barriers between the states — common currency and market; and states had no powers to deal with foreign countries — war and peace were the domain of the centre.

And there was a bill of rights, but only for those eligible to vote (see below). Everything else, from roads and railways, to health and education, to police and courts (except the federal court), to land regulations, to the thorny issues surrounding Hindu-Muslim relations and untouchability, belonged to the states. Why were the states given so much power? CR, with the blessing of the founding trinity of Jinnah-Nehru-Das, thought that this was the best way to maintain political stability and territorial integrity of the new Commonwealth.

While silent on untouchability, the constitution guaranteed property rights — Desi business and land owning elites would not have it any other way. In fact, voting rights for the centre was tied to property ownership (states could widen suffrage, but none did so voluntarily), and only 10 per cent of the population, overwhelmingly men, had suffrage.

But Congress insisted on, and the British conceded, a republic. Desis, or those Desis who owned property, would vote their own president. There were to be a bi-cameral legislature, with a 500‑member House of Representatives, each elected by an equal number of voters (boundaries to be drawn once every decade) through the first-past-the-post system, and a Senate with 5 members from each state regardless of the state’s size. States would decide how their senators would be selected (these days of course senators are popularly elected, but this wouldn’t happen until much later). There would also be an independent judiciary, with ample checks and balances.

Ten provinces of British India — Assam, Bengal, Bihar, Bombay, Central Province, Frontier Province, Madras, Orissa, the Punjab and the United Provinces — were to be the first 10 states of the Commonwealth. Each state of course had their own constitution.

Between 1932 and 1935, states held their elections according to their constitutions. In 1935, a central legislature was elected. In 1936 the states ratified the constitution. In January 1937, the Congress nominee Mohammed Ali Jinnah was elected to the office of the president unopposed. On 23 march 1937, Jinnah was inaugurated as the first president of the Commonwealth of India, and the Raj had ended.

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Next: the Jinnah presidency.

Once upon a time in India - Amar in action

Ashfaqullah is an old friend of Amar’s. The two had fought side by side against the British imperialists a number of times. It has been a while however that the two met. It must be the excitement over meeting his friend that Amar does not notice the black car trailing him for a while.

Before long however Amar realises that he is being followed. A black Austin — the driver’s face is unrecognisable under a hat.

A British agent almost certainly, but why is he being followed? It could be related to the incidents last night. If that is the case then the gang is being picked up systematically, perhaps using the information supplied by the still unknown traitor. Or maybe they have become aware of the presence of Azad in the city. The very thought leads to an instinctive jaw tightening.

He has a choice to make — whether to shake the tracker, or to confront him.

While mulling over all these, Amar takes a few unrelated turns — through a morning bazaar, a rail crossing and a five-pointed roundabout — to end up on the highway outside the city. The black Austin follows suit.

Amar has chosen the latter option. It is important to find out who the tracker is.

A bus is up ahead, and a loaded lorry is coming from the opposite direction. Amar speeds up, overtakes the bus, makes a sudden U-turn as the lorry passes the car, and then makes another quick U-turn to be behind the follower. He stops the bike, takes out his pistol, aims squarely at the tyre and shoots. He doesn’t miss, the car loses control and spirals off the road to hit a tree.

The driver comes out, bleeding, a gun in his hand.

‘Drop the gun.’ Amar says, pointing his weapon towards the injured man.

The injured man raises his gun, while trying to regain balance by leaning on the crashed vehicle.

‘Drop the gun!’ Amar shouts. ‘Don’t be stupid. You’re hurt, and I don’t want to kill a Desi.’

The driver isn’t listening. He shoots. Amar shoots back, hitting the man in his leg. The man, unbalanced from the effect of the shot, stumbles and falls onto a large shard of glass which goes clean through his chest.

Amar runs over to the car. The man is dead. Amar curses himself. He goes through the dead man’s wallet. A few rupees, a photo of a young couple in their wedding dress, some receipts, and an ICC badge. The gun is a Colt 45, as common as it gets.

Amar frowns — the army carried out the raid previous night, while the dead man it seems was an ICC agent. He looks at his watch. It’s getting late, and he must be on his way.

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Previously: Heroes and villains.

Once upon a time in Hind

As the side bar attests, Wo hu cang long (aka Crouching tiger, hidden dragon) is one of our favourite movies. Quite a few great historical epics like this have come out of East Asia in recent years. And Hollywood has a rich tradition of historical epics (everyone has seen Charleton Heston trying to play a Hebrew in a couple of movies, but the real aficionados won’t settle for anything other than the silent version). Bollywood, in contrast, seems to have lagged behind. Yes there is the Grand Mughal, but that was in 1960. More recently, Bollywood has given us turkeys like this.

Brothers A-A-A often wondered about a Desi period epic, set some time in the post-Islam era to give all three of us a chance to appear. The Mughal Empire is a natural candidate for the setting. Brothers and sisters over at the adda also had similar ideas.

So what would our movie include?

1. A fortress would change hands, and someone would escape with their life.
2. Dushmans would chase someone across Desh.
3. A royal scandal would involve a famous diamond.
4. Complicated amorous entanglements would test the characters.
5. A Sufi saint would lead his followers in search of a golden land beyond the rivers.
6. Ideas would be tested in philosophical debates and battles involving imperial forces promising order and stability, free people resisting the empire and villains.
7. There would be nautch girls, elephants, snakes, jadu-tona, tantriks and tigers.
8. Someone would be switched at birth.
9. There would be a murder mystery.
10. It would be over three hours long.

Dear reader, watch these pages for more details (as they develop) about this grandest epic of them all.

Desh: an alternative history

Couple of weeks ago, we asked what if Gandhi had not called off the non-cooperation movement?

One possibility was that the movement would have degenerated into something much more violent than the Chauri Chaura incident, and yet at the end of violence, an un‑mottled dawn would have broken. This is an intriguing possibility that Amar has urged me explore further. Here is an attempt.

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After a year of satyagraha and hartals sweeping the land, Gandhi's promise of swaraj within a year looked imminently achievable in the early 1920s. But alas it wasn't to be. The uprising turned violent in 1921, and British reprisal became harsher. A mortified Gandhi retired to his ashram, but this had little effect in many of Desh's towns and cities. Communists and other radicals, inspired by events in Russia and elsewhere, escalated violent attacks on police stations and government buildings. British reprisal was more brutal than at any time since 1857. By 1923, freedom looked further than ever.

But the restoration of the Raj carried huge costs — both financially and in politically. Raj lost its legitimacy to the Desi elite, whose collaboration was necessary for the British presence. A more ominous portent was the refusal of Desi troops to open fire on civilians in several places. The spectre of a second mutiny haunted the corridors of power in Delhi and London, and the government was looking for an opening for a political dialogue.

But who would the government converse with? Congress was officially outlawed, and Gandhi, the unquestioned leader of the uprising when it begun, and the only leader who could speak on behalf of Desis in their multitude, was in a self-imposed isolation in his ashram. None of the other Congress leaders carried enough weight, but CR Das of Calcutta and Motilal Nehru of Allahabad had support of Desi businesses and other urban elites in British India (the uprising had little effect on the native states, which carried on as before). While the Desi elite had lost faith on the Raj, they didn't trust the radical tone of the uprising either. They privately urged Das and Nehru to call off the uprising. But, neither Das nor Nehru wanted to be seen as sell-outs.

Gandhi's death in 1926, election of a labour-liberal coalition in Britain, and Stalin's rise to power in Soviet Union changed the political equation. Secret negotiations commenced between the British and Motilal Nehru, who assumed the role of de facto Congress supremo. The government announced an amnesty in 1927 and lifted the ban on Congress. Congress postponed the movement for 3 years. With Stalin cutting off aid to the radicals and communists, violence subsided.

Fearing a Nehruvian takeover of the party, Das invited the self-exiled MA Jinnah to rejoin politics. By 1928, Jinnah assumed the role of key negotiator with the British, with Nehru being the party's interface with business, and Das controlling the party machine. In 1929 the British-appointed Simon Commission reported that India should become free by the end of the 1930s.

On 26 January 1930, in Lahore, Congress adopted a resolution that outlined an Azad Desh. The British parliament passed the Government of India Act later that year. The Act called for an independent Indian Commonwealth, along the lines suggested by the Lahore Resolution by the end of the decade.

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So, what would this Commonwealth be like? When would it have come about?

A revolutionary what if?

You say you want a revolution, well you know, we all want to change the world — sang Lennon. But do revolutions really change the world? Or do they run out of steam, spiral and turn? Lennon wanted to be counted out when you’re talking about destruction. And much like an omelette can’t be made without breaking an egg, so with revolutions without violence and destruction.

When do you support a revolution? This is not a rhetorical question in Pakistan. But if a revolution sweeps away Musharraf, will that cure Pakistan’s ailment? I don’t worry that Musharraf will be replaced by mad mullahs or the ISI. Mad mullahs and ISI are already in power. A revolution will probably replace Musharraf with another general, much like how Yahya replaced Ayub in 1969. What will a revolution achieve then? Is it perhaps not better to cut a deal that allows Musharraf an exit strategy? Similar debates are raging in Bangladesh?

What is a revolution anyway? When the existing order collapses, and rival factions fight it out until the most organised/cruellest/luckiest one comes to power — isn’t that what the fellow travellers romanticise as a revolution? Isn’t that what happened in Russia in 1917 or Iran in 1979?

Lennon probably thought about revolutions this way. Gandhi definitely wasn’t a believer in this kind of revolution. His was all for internal revolution: the truth force and moral regeneration, and a good dump in the morning. This is why, when it turned violent in February 1922, Gandhi didn’t hesitate to call off the non-cooperation movement.

What would have happened if he had not? Would there have been a revolution, as defined above?

Probably not. The movement probably would have run out of steam. Gandhi’s promise of Swaraj in one year was already stale when the Chauri Chaura incident happened. It’s possible that had the movement continued, it would have just gradually degenerated. But what would have replaced it? Intifada in Palestine has been replaced by asymmetric war in the form of suicide bombing. Would we have witnessed something similar in Desh?

If that happened, how would the British have reacted? Perhaps they would have sought out an exit strategy. Perhaps they would have cut a deal with moderate leaders like Jinnah, Motilal Nehru and CR Das. Perhaps these leaders would have founded a genuine federal republic.

Perhaps it would have been so, or perhaps not.

Perhaps the asymmetric war would have been met by violent repression. Perhaps the British would have matched, the Japanese empire in terms of oppression. Perhaps the British and the Japanese would have become allies in Asia. Perhaps the counter-insurgency violence in Desh would have warmed the British to Hitler. Perhaps there would have been a London-Berlin Axis.

Perhaps it’s in such a bleak world brother A-A-A would have lived?

The Hunt for Mullah Omar

Amar Akbar Anthony have joined The War on Terror, and launched our own sophisticated pysch-ops programme. We begin by issuing an all-points alert for the sinister Mullah Omar. Alert follows:

Alert

Mullah Mohammad Omar

Credible and highly placed intelligence sources have revealed new intelligence on the possible location of the missing Mullah Mohammad Omar, fugitive leader of Jihad International and self-styled Amir-ul-Momineen, Commander of the Faithful.

Intelligence indicates that Mullah Omar is in one of the metropolises of the Western world, from where he keeps track of the enemy, guides the faithful, and drives a Taxi. This ties in with what we know of his past - that he was a taxi driver in Toronto before ISI picked him up and made him head of the Taliban.

The taxi-ranks of New York, Sydney, Wellington, London, Nottingham and Toronto are considered especially susceptible to infiltration by Mullah Omar the Taxi Driver, due to suspicious and recurring travel patterns noted among known Taleban sympathisers to these cities.

Readers in these cities are advised to watch out for suspicious Desi taxi-drivers, and report them to the authorities. A file photo is provided above for your reference, but further indicators to help you identify the Mullah are given below:

1. The Mullah will be wearing dark sun-glasses, even at night, in order to hide his one bad eye. He is also likely to be a very poor and dangerous driver, due to a lack of depth perception. He will often be found speeding over the limit, for he follows no law but Allah's. He also does not bother with wearing a seat belt, as a sign of his faith in Allah.

2. Another visual identifier of the Mullah could potentially be his big beard. But as any Desi with a beard in the West is nowadays automatically labelled a terrorist, the Mullah, a master of deception and subterfuge, would presumably have already been caught if he still had a beard. We therefore conclude that the Mullah is now clean shaven in appearance, though pschologists think that due to force of habit, he may still make sub-consicious scratching and stroking motions below his chin. This is something to look out for in your taxi driver.

3. Another sign of Mullah Omar will be the music being played. Mullah Omar had previously banned music in Afghanistan, and has no taste or love for music. He may therefore be playing obscure 70s hits or other out of character tunes in an attempt to maintain his disguise by listening to music, without realising the different varities of music there are. Real Desi Taxi Drivers of course only listen to Religious stuff or Bollywood Hits. If your taxi driver is listening to something else, you must ask yourself the question - could this man be Mullah Omar?

4. Lastly, Mullah Omar is likely to always be talking on a cell phone, from which he is directing his troops in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Watch out for taxi drivers who always seem to be on the phone and have lots of international phone cards.

If, after considering all the above factors, you start to suspect that your taxi driver is Mullah Omar, please exercise extreme care and caution. The real Mullah Omar is armed and dangerous, with a fully loaded AK47 under the driver's seat. Please therefore do not upset him, do not blaspheme against Allah, do not get drunk and vomit in his car, and always pay the taxi fare in full, with a 10% Tip extra.

Once you are safely away from Mullah Omar's taxi, you should note the Taxi's license plate number and immediately call us on the Toll Free Number XX XXX XXX XXX.

Citizens and Readers - Please be Careful, and Always Watch your Taxi Driver.

Once upon a time in India – the bad guys

Angraiz

An elderly English man looks out the window from an office room at the imposing Fort Williams. ‘Look at this magnificent city. There isn’t another that is grander east of Suez. Look at the Square. Look at King George’s Bridge…’

After smoking his pipe a couple of times, he continues, ‘This used to be mangrove swamps you know, where tigers roamed. We built all this. All this, and the grandest Empire in history. The grandest you understand. And now some of these natives have the cheek, the affrontery to tell us to leave?’

He pauses, turns around, and asks the other man in the room, ‘What do you think?’

‘I do not follow Sir Mycroft.’ replies the younger man whose face is not seen.

‘Do you think we are taking a risk with Plan Balkan? Awful lot rides on this.’ Sir Mycroft Holmes Jr heads the Imperial Counterintelligence Commission (ICC) in India.

‘Plan Balkan has been approved by the Prime Minister himself Sir.’

‘Yes. Anyway, have you got any update for me on the chef situation? You know it’s not just another jailbreak?’

‘I am aware of the importance of the chef case Sir. Unfortunately there is no further development. There may however be a break in the Sholay case.’

‘Yes, go on.’

‘Everything is proceeding as planned. Both the big fish and the small potato has done their jobs, and I expect the case to be wrapped up in days.’

‘Excellent,’ Sir Mycroft taps his digits together, ‘we will need all resources to pull off Balkan, and these little matters should not come in the way. Very well then, if there is nothing else, I’d like to retire to the Club now.’

‘Yes sir,’ the other man salutes and leaves the room. His face is still not seen.

Desi

Sir Mycroft and his faceless companion are not the only people staring at the city. In the native part of the City, above a warehouse overlooking the ever-bustling Shyambazaar, stands Seth Magan Lal.
‘Sad, very sad. All this revolution talk. When my father was a young boy, oh I don’t know, hundred years ago, you could not travel ten miles in the countryside without being robbed by the thuggees. Who got rid of the thuggees huh? And now, all these crimes, not revolution, crimes pure and simple, they remind me of those stories of the bad old days I heard from my father.’ The Seth turns around, and looks at half a dozen or so men in the room, ‘I am not talking about myself. I don’t care if a few thousand rupees are gone.’

‘Whole fifty thousand, Sethji.’ says one of the men standing in the room.

‘Fifty thousand. No I don’t care about the money. It’s all Ramji’s grace. He takes away with one hand and gives it back with another.’ The Seth puts a paan in his mouth.

After spitting the paan remains in a silver spittoon, the Seth continues, ‘I have a feeling that with Ramji’s grace I’ll get my fifty thousand back soon. But more importantly, if everything goes according to plan, with Ramji’s grace all this revolution tamasha would be over soon. Ram knows it can’t end soon enough either. It’s bad for business, and what is bad for business is ultimately bad for common people.’ The Seth looks out through the window again.

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What are the chef and Sholay cases? What is Plan Balkan? What sinister plan is the Seth hatching? How will the brothers face these bad guys?

An Alternative Revolution

Amar Akbar Anthony's elders took part in revolutions, wars, freedom struggles, risking life for great causes and attaining glory and meaning. We were however denied this - there was no great cause left for us, all we ever had was the insufferable ennui of a purposeless existence.

So we drew up our own Revolution, where at least our alter-egos could find meaning and purpose through a great cause - the fight for the liberation of Desh and its people from imperialist shackles, the struggle to be masters of our own destiny.

But lately, I have begun to wonder. Four hundred million Deshis managed to become subjects of a foreign force which never numbered much more than a hundred thousand - that is to say, there were 4,000 of us for every 1 of them. So we know that our Independence moment was in truth rather feeble.

However, to hear all the freedom songs written both before and after, the whole nation was filled with fervour, ready to rise up in revolt against the hated imperialists!

So how come we didn't win our independence earlier? All revolutions definitely need catchy songs. We had no shortage of poets. Indeed, we seem to have had more revolutionary poets than actual revolutionaries. Instead of fighting for freedom , we wrote songs about fighting for freedom. Instead of killing our enemies, we wrote songs about killing our enemies. But when it came time for inspired action, we were either all talk or fools.

So maybe the three of us also got our revolution all wrong. We have a vision of a less glorious revolution story:

It is the dark days of the early 1940s, the imperialists have their jackboots on our brothers and sisters' necks, and Amar Akbar Anthony have gathered to confer at a secret meeting place:

"This oppression has gone on long enough!"
"We must crush them like ants!"
"We must take action!"

Then we all sit down and start penning the next revolutionary song. Anthony draws up intellectual themes with allusions to history and literature, Amar fills in lines of fire and brimstone and makes it rhyme, Akbar adds in Balle Balle and makes sure it has a catchy beat.

Individual efforts may go something like this:
Amar song: "Let's kill the Imperialist swine, then pickle them in brine!"
Akbar song: "I am a lover of Desh! Balle Balle! I am intoxicated by her gaze! Balle Balle!"
Anthony song: "My fight is for a secular federal democratic republic, hai Jamalo!"

Then we all go home and wait for the Imperialists to return home too.

Garajti Khabrain : Bazaar Rumours – Basant/Holi Edition

We at AAA Garajti Khabrain noted the exaggerated tabloid trash presented by ‘The news of the world’ and decided to take action in response by offering our readers “authentic” Tabloid news, from everywhere and no where.
We hope you enjoy our debut selection below and look forward to your comments.


Historical Archives


'Gandhi dies a Muslim!

Our History correspondent reports from the archives that Gandhi had secretly converted to Islam just weeks before he was shot, and had been planning a move to Pakistan. Having been persuaded by one of his many so called adopted Muslim sons, he had started fasting to catch up on all the fasts he lost during his infidel days. This was misreported by Influenced news papers as fasting in protest against Muslim mis-treatment at the time, but it was actually Ramadan Fast.

It is also noted, when he was shot, the words from his mouth were not ‘Hey Ram!’, instead it has been proven by witness account he said ‘Bye Ram! Followed by the Islamic Shahadah ‘there is no god but Allah and Muhammad (SAW) is the messenger of Allah.’





Zulfy Bhutto and Zia were gay lovers!!

Zia-ul-Haq the now dead dictator shot Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto in torment, because he was spending more time with Atal Behari Vajpayee the Indian Foreign Minister during Ayub's reign. This was disclosed from secret letters revealed by the sentry standing guard outside his lock up at the time.
The sentry also confirmed the rumour which was published in Salman Rushdie’s book ‘Shame’ about Zia-ul-Haq shooting Zulfy, when Zulfy called his mother names. However, the real reason was the ongoing affair with Atal Behari Vajpayee.
Our correspondent posed the above revelation to Atal Jee, but gave up trying to wait for the answer because it took him 3 hours to open his mouth.



Current Affairs

Osama the masseur!

Osama B. Laden was seen giving champi (masseur/malish) in Old lahore near the Data Darbar. He can also be found distributing Pulao Zarda (kind of Punjabi rice dish) to the worshippers who come to pay respects to Data Ganj Baksh (sufi saint). Nearby Ayman Al Zawahiri was frying samosas and his sons running a Saloon where Mohd. Rafi used to get a hair cut during his younger days.

Benazir holding feminist orgies in Dubai. Sonia Gandhi is chief guest –caught pole dancing.!!!

The now deposed ex-prime minister of Pakistan, celebrated women’s day Oxford Uni style. Women celebrities and politicians attended this bash. Sonia Gandhi of congress party was caught pole dancing after drinking 6 shots of Bombay Sapphire.




Taliban's Secret New Weapon

Taliban are buying kites because they can no longer afford bullets for their Ak-47s. The price of bullets has shot up to Rs45/a bullet in Peshawar, due to high demand among Punjabis wanting to fire guns in the air at weddings, as well as rise of foreign Jihadi groups in the area with fat Saudi-filled wallets! Taliban have decided to invest in a new long-range weapon which they learned to use as refguee children in Lahore -- the long wire Kite. Top Secret Taliban Scientists are still working out how to make Kite invisible to human eye and radar by painting it sky blue.

Shiv Sena camapigns for sexier depiction of Hindu Goddesses
Bal Thackeray claims: Sita's divine breasts a must see!

Shiv Sena have launched a new campaign demanding that Hindu Goddesses be depicted in a sexier manner. Explained Bal Thackeray "Our Hindutva Historians have discovered that conservative dress is a foreign muslim influence. Our scriptures make clear that Sita and Parvati and other Goddesses liked to go topless, and flaunt their divine breasts. But all the statues and images one sees are of them dressed like Mother Teresa! This is not the Hindu way!"

Shiv Sainiks have even been going around town instructing calendar artists, idol-makers and temple priests to replace existing images and idols with new ones featuring greater nudity and titillation.

In light of this, the VHP issued a press statement claiming that Valentine's Day was really a Hindu festival, St Valentine actually being in fact a Bhakti saint. An RSS spokesman said that party agreed with Shiv Sena, and that they would be encouraging young Hindu women to follow the example of the Goddesses and dress more sexily.

Experts report a huge arousal of interest among Indian men at these latest developments.

Sports


Shoaib wanted to have knees massaged in UK –Favorite masseuse Ayesha Resides in Eastham is a specialist in massaging fast bowlers’ knees. Ayesha’s mother Zainab used to massage Imran Khan’s knees during his stress fracture times, until her own knees gave way.
Shoaib will also use this opportunity to fly Kite with Ayesha on the roof top of her home. As he will miss Basant back home.


Entertainment News

Salman Rushdie zapped by flying Qurans!

Salman Rushdie the controversial writer of Satanic Verses was found lying unconscious in the British Library. He was rushed to hospital. The librarian has informed us that he was working in the Islam Section where he found Salman on the floor unconscious. He was holding a copy of the Quran and his hands were bleeding through lacerations.

Mr. Rushdie is in coma and the hospital administration has not made any official comments.

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Posted by Amar and Akbar

1940-47: Hooker’s Freedom Song

(Parody of the Freedom poem ‘Sarfaroshi ki Tamanna’ written by Indian Revolutionary Ram Prasad Bismil)

Here’s what a hooker from the 1930s/40s Independence struggle song would be. I wrote the urdu version which is much more in tune with the original, however for the english readers I have attempted a translation.

Enjoy!

Urdu Version
=========

Jism Faroshi Kii Tamanna Ab Hamaray dil mein hai
Dhandha hai Thup, Jab sey Gandhi aur Jinnah nay kiya hai gand
Pachas rupay kay truck driver sey behtar, goray ka diya hua zakhm.

Azmaya hai humnay sab barey logon ko,
Bata dein gaye aaj unki kamzoriyan bistar mein hum!
Jism Faroshi Kii Tamanna Ab Hamaray Dil mein hai

Nehru ko Azmaa kay dekha, nikla usk kharab lun
Gandhi ka to dus saal ki umar mein ho gaya sub kuch khatam
Netaji Bose ka hai sub sey chota, aur kuch bolnay ka nahi hummay dum
Jinnah ka humko maloom nahin pee kay rehta hai who hamesha tun!
Mountbatten kay uppar paisa hai khatam
Radcliffe kii maa kasam, Bhagat kay pass ek pota (testicle) hai Kum

Jism Faroshi Kii Tamanna Ab Hamaray Dil mein hai!

English Version
============

The desire to sell our body is in our hearts
Business is down, ‘cause Gandhi Jinnah have made such a mess
Better be inflicted by the white man than the fifty rupee pathan truck driver

Tried I have all these big men
Reveal I shall their weaknesses in bed
The desire to sell our body is in our hearts

Nehru failed like a rusty machine on first trial
Gandhi had lost everything at the age of ten
Netaj’s was so small, I have no words to express my shock!
Know we nothing about Jinnah, for he remained always drunk.
Mountbatten was the one with money to really spend
I swear by Radcliffe, Bhaghat had one testicle less.

The desire to sell our body is in our hearts.


Inquilaab Zindabad!!!

Amar Akbar Anthony in the Mumbai Underworld

Anthony: The Spider

Anthony is the head of the gang, the Bada Bhai, the Big Brother. He started out as a trusted advisor of the notorious D*****, but weaving intricate webs of deceit, through intrigues and dissimulation, he has overthrown the old order and taken over. Anthony is a reclusive figure, usually confined to his palatial mansion overlooking the sea, where he plays endless games of chess like a Bond Villain, while simultaneously plotting the demise of his enemies, and the strategic advancement of the business. His nickname is the Spider - his invisible web covers the whole city, nothing escapes from his net, while the Spider sits in the heart of his empire, still, unmoving, alert, sensing every tremor, however faint, that disturbs his Empire. He is much feared.

The Spider is always accompanied by three men known as the Teen Bandars, or Three Monkeys. Each of the Bandars carries one of the Spider's phones, part of the process through which the Spider keeps watch over his Empire. The Spider never speaks directly on any phone. Any calls are made via the Bandars, who relay messages to the Spider, and whose orders and instructions they carry to others.

The names of the teen bandars are Gunga, Behra, and Andha. None of them are actually Gunga or Behra of course. But all three of them are Andha, or blind. Born without sight, each one of them was rescued by the Spider from the orphanages, and they are fiercely loyal to him.

The three bandars all have one special talent. Born blind, nature has compensated for the loss of one sense by granting them extraordinary powers in another. Their hearing possesses a sensitivity and discernment unknown to ordinary men. They never forget a voice they have once heard, they can identify a man by his foot step at a hundred yards, but there is something else, something even more spectacular. They can, it is whispered, know what is hidden in a man's soul from his voice. They can tell if a man has deceit in his heart, if he is hiding something, or if he is telling a lie. And there is only one consequence of being caught lying to or concealing something from the Spider.

Death.

Amar: The Black Dog

Amar doesn't have the vision or leadership qualities of the Spider. Fortunately, his job doesn't require either. Known as the Kala Kutta, or Black Dog, after his favourite Scotch whisky, Amar is more of a pit bull straining at the leash - fiercely loyal, with a lust for violence, an enforcer of the Spider's word. Amar is the Spider's jackboot on the enemy's neck. Vicious, Amar needs to continually be restrained by the Spider, who understands that violence is a tool of business, not an end in itself. Initially given a wider portfolio of work, it was realised that Amar has no talent for security (too unstable), or persuasion (too many accidental deaths) - He is only used when extreme violence is to be inflicted - torture, explosives, disproportionate retaliation. If the Spider is respected and feared, the Black Dog is feared and dreaded. In the bed-time stories of the slums of Mumbai, the Black Dog has taken the place of the Bogeyman, and even little children fall silent when their mother says - Stop crying, or the Black Dog will come and get you.

Akbar: The Munshi

Akbar the Munshi is a jovial pan-chewing accountant who once spat tobacco juice all over one of the Spider's priceless Persian carpets, and somehow lived to tell the tale. Munshi Bhai looks after the book-keeping of the business - budgets, accounts, hawala, money-laundering, bribes, payoffs, extortion, the usual financial interests of the underworld.

Munshi Bhai is well known for his earthy humour and a zest for life, which has not been reduced even by the recent attempt to assassinate him during the recent Diwali celebrations. The story has been doing the rounds of Mumbai's dancing bars and chai-shops, and it goes something like this:

Gifts of sweets are of course a Diwali tradition, and every year Munshi Bhai receives hundreds of boxes of the finest and most expensive sweets as presents, filling up his entire office. After all, the Munshi is a very senior member of the Web, everyone wants to be in his good books, and his gluttony and love for food is legendary - but more tales on that later.

The Munshi tends to prefer the traditional Desi confections, especially those made by the Old-Time Halwais. Meanwhile, the European chocolates he receives usually end up in the tummies of the beggars lining up at the mosque and temple near his office.

(Incidentally, the Spider strongly disapproves of Munshi's generosity towards beggars and other oppressed. He has told the Munshi countless times to stop giving away things to people without getting anything in return, but for the religious-minded Munshi, it is a matter of faith.)

Anyway, to return to the story. This Diwali, among the countless boxes received was one of Karachi Halwa, apparently all the way from the original Karachi sweetshop where the sweet was invented. The whole city knows that the Munshi spent his teenage years in Karachi, where many of his relatives (including his little sister with her love of Coca Cola) still live. When the Munshi saw the box of Karachi Halwa, he let out a whoop of joy. He and a dozen others present in his office that day tried the Halwa. The others started to immediately display signs of illness after eating the Halwa, and all twelve died later that night at the city's most prestigious hospital. The Munshi however only suffered a minor stomache ache. Subsequent tests by astonished doctors revealed the Halwa was laced with a lethal poison - a rare plant extract - and that the dose Munshi had taken was sufficient to kill an elephant. That he had survived was an absolute miracle. The doctors scratched their heads in bewilderment. The Munshi cried Allah u Akbar and went off to feed the town's beggars in gratitude. The Spider bit his lower lip and moved his pawn to E4.

Titanic: The curse of Allah

This is the real ishtorey of Titanic – the ship, the philm and the fornicating occupants including Jack (ass) and Rose (the hoe).

By the Will and Grace (not that lesbian/gay friendship sitcom) of Allah, the Titanic truth behind Titanic will be revealed unto all within the space permitted by this post and through the infidel support of Amar and Anthony.

In the name of Allah the most Gracious and Merciful.

We start with the ship. It is a huge ass mofo ship brothers and sistas. It is meant to be a means of transport but used like a five star hotel by these western infidels, where casino, drinking and fornication are permitted with privacy not available on land during those times!

Such privacy and such distance! Ideal for the Satan - the enemy of Allah. Why should he be left out of all the fun!

As the American expression goes ‘to cut to the chase’, while ass and hoe (oops!. I mean Jack and Rose) make out in the back seat of a Cadillac probably(?)…the fat ass captain was slurping tea down in his cabin.

What happens to a unpiloted cruise ship without headlights in the middle of Atlantic ocean? It crashes into an ice berg… that’s what happens brotha and sistas.

But wait my friends. This crash was meant to be. For Allah had sealed the eyes and hearts of the infidel despite the excellent indoor five star chandelier lighting within the ship. For they were not meant to see the ice berg as it was Allah’s will.

Such is the price that the passengers had to pay for the sins of Jack and Rose. Such is the price Allah extracts from Rose for her beyond the limit ubarhti jawani (excessively overactive youth estrogen).

As the cruise ship tilted vertically, the Dajjal’s daughter managed to cling on to the railing…while all passengers just fell and fell into the dark waters of the Atlantic. Instead of submitting to Allah’s will the Dajjal strives to live through this challenge from Allah so as to seduce more future Jacks into asses and to carry the satanic generation forward in the form a seed planted by the gullible and seducible Jack.

On a side note, before the ships tilts, the musicians keep playing oblivious to the panic around them. They were NOT soul extracting Israfeels (death angels). They were waiting to be paid from the guy who hired them.

In the end, what happens my dear reader? history always repeats itself. Jack sinks and sinks to the bottom of the sea, trying to save that infidel seed carried by Rose. But was he not knowledgeable that the vile hoe intended to exchange his life for the precious gem given unto her by an ex-Fiance.

The cursed woman carried on with her life obtaining a nice flat on mortgage in Amerika and what’s more she also got a green card. Poor hard working Mexicans spend their lives trying to cross the border and obtain green card, while this daughter of Dajjal manages to get all this by doing nothing other than seducing Jack and cheating a rich man out his gems.

Finally, we see in the movie that old Rose throws the precious gem into the ocean. It is only a guise. The real gem is placed in a safety deposit box in Chase Manhattan Bank.

Such a fine actor this old Rose is? She shamelessly admits to lying naked on a cruise sofa, to have sketch made out by the gullible Jack.

Surely dear reader, with occupants like Jack and rose, this ship was to be cursed and meet its ill fate. May Allah have mercy on the soul of the many ignorant and innocent passengers. Amen.

Excerpts from The History of the Criminal Tribes of the Pathans: The Kharbuza

The Kharbuza clan has been smuggling guns across the Khyber since the first day it became profitable to do so, back when the Firangis set up a customs post at the mouth of the Great Pass. Before that, the family business had always been looting and pillaging, but Ghazi Abu Tarbuz al-Kharbuza-ud-din, the farsighted patriarch of the Kharbuza clan, observed the rise of John Company and its armies in the plains, realised that business was about to take a permanent downturn, and decided, with some regret, that the time had come for him and his family to move to a less honourable profession.

Garajti Khabrain (Jeddah – Nottingham and back via London edishon)

Hello and welcome back! Our field reporter has come back with some exciting news from Inglistan. England lost the Quarter final to Portugal. (that’s not exciting). No but you won't have to put up with over rated English team for next four years. (Reason for delay: Our field reporter came in last night on a donkey from UK).

Our reporter Akbar was dumped by his fiancée last night. She came across certain pics of him smoking marijuana with Amar seth and drinking wine. She was disappointed that Akbar did not live up to his name by practicing Deen-e-elahi.

Son of Amar recently disappeared from the madrassah where was learning Kim and Quran. Hearing no news from him, his guardian Akbar Noonwala alerted the Interpol as many of his valued AK-47 were missing from the madrassah premises.

Son of Amar was picked up in Venice enjoying a 50 cent Traghetto ride. A stash of Umbrellas and Flowers were found with him. He apparently disheartened with the slow progress of Kim and Quran decided to join the Venetian Bengali fraternity to sell floweray and Umbrellay. He even admitted to be influenced by fight club and started working in San Crispino (world famous gelato) and apparently took a whiz in their mango flavor ice cream machine.

Fatwa updates:

Readers may recall from our last edishon of Garajti Khabrain, two pending fatwas with the local Shoura Council.

In the case of the Danish cow with the Pakistani father, the shoura has established that the father is indeed muslim, however, only a certain Talebani sect of muslim cows may bear calves whose meat is Halal and distributable. This Talebani sect is mostly found in the valleys of Tora Bora.

The calf’s father in question originated from the sunni muslim sect based in Punjab hence the calf is disqualified from being recognized as provider of halal meat or dairy products.

The second pending Fatwa pertained to Mullah Hantush of Virility Sandwiches fame. His request to hire circumcised monkeys within the MAkkah Grand Mosque premises has been accepted, provided that the monkeys do not consume the sandwiches, which would require them to be castrated.

However, disappointing events have taken place for Mullah Hantush since then. The monkeys have transferred their employment sponsorship and setup shop as barbers in service of pilgrims.

Amar seth has requested the Shoura to investigate the possibility of converting to Islam without the need for circumcision. He is prepared to donate all his wealth to World Assembly of Muslim Youth after conversion and involve himself in Jihadist activities provided he does not have to circumcise.


Internashional newses

Amar and Anthony have joined hands in London for the betterment of the the popular front for the liberation of khalistan = world muslim sikh organisation . (Anthony is actually an under cover Muslim- not any more I guess and Amar is supposed to be a good khalistani in front of his mummy papa).

The aim to encourage the british sikh and muslim youth to drop Bhangra rap and madrassahs respectively and move to India to fight for a even more colourful and free Punjab.


Saddam Hussein is from Mianwali??

In his last minutes, which were not properly recorded, Saddam Hussein is said to have spoken rapidly in Punjabi (Mianwali accent –where Imran Khan comes form) to the masked security officials. Rumors have spread like wildfire that a duplicate Saddam was provided by the ISI (Pakistani secret service).

The Iraqi govt has denied this rumor as Bullshit.


A Bengali national was recently detained and strip searched at Washington airport. Apparently he did not declare the Mustard oil he had been carrying on his self as a food item. On further interrogation he revealed that he would have used an overdose of mustard oil to assassinate our Bengali brother Anthony for blaspheming Netaji Bose . On his person were found an Id card from an Indian based company called Desi Pundit.

Mr. Anthony was visiting Washington to promote Ghandhi-giri, despite being a staunch Bengali national. He acknowledged that he had written the scandalous article, but was not aware that it would be taken so seriously as to amount an assassination attempt.

He maintained his right to free speech, and made it a point to return to Bangladesh after his visit is over to express his views on Netaji openly. However, our field reporter notes that his one-way ticket is Sydney via France.

That’s all for now folks!

The Age of Kali

***
From:Amar
To: Akbar, Anthony
Date: September 12, 2006

Have you heard the dystopian novel of terror set in the alternate sub-continent? The novel begins in alternate Bengal in the summer of 2007, when a girl is born with six arms. the doctors insist she is simply a genetic freak, but the devout are convinced she is an incarnation of Durga....

***
Reuters News Agency, November 14
Bihar villagers worship infant as Mother Goddess

KOLKATA (Reuters) - Thousands of people are flocking a village in Bihar to worship a baby girl born with rare tumours as they believe she is a reincarnation of Durga, the multi-armed Hindu mother goddess, police said on Tuesday....

"People believe the girl is their deliverer, but experts say it is a case of congenital defect," said Amit Jain, a senior Bihar police officer.

***