Friday, October 21, 2005

modern fairy tales: islamic cricket

England soon arrive in Pakistan to play a test series there, following from their recent success in the Ashes, which they won thanks to the efforts of their swing bowlers. In our imaginary world (inspired by the classic International Gorillay), here is what happens next:

There will be a conspiracy by the wily english to use pig leather in the new cricket balls to sully the pakistani bowlers, who are the pride of islam. Our heroes' hands will blister when they use the new ball, and they will be unable to extract swing, conventional or reverse. No fielder will succeed in taking catches. But the english bowlers will be licking and spitting on the ball and producing reverse swing from the 15th over itself.

Naturally Allah will come to the defense of the faithful, and ensure the treachorous english goose is cooked. The bird flu will mutate into a new strain: the pig-beer flu (gotten from touching pig, but activated only by drinking beer). For once there shall be no doubt that this is Allah's curse on (and only on) unbelievers. The English infidels will drink lots of beer in their hotel, and start oinking and grow piglike.

The next day, Inzamam ul Haq will destroy the wayward infidel bowling attack with his double-edged bat. Saeed Anwar will arrive at the stadium and join Chacha Cricket in performing a spontaneous qawwali proclaiming love of Allah, with the pakistani team boys waving their arms and singing the chorus. Visibly inspired, the barmy army will promptly convert to Islam and become the blighi army.