Sunday, February 19, 2006

alternate reality: bush is anti-christ

this was written days before the 2004 US elections

this should happen:

vatican announces an important and immediate global press conference. as the world watches, it is revealed they have recently stumbled across ancient texts which reveal conclusively that bush is the anticrhist.

then it should rain frogs and the skies turn red and it rains blood.
then dick cheney goes on live to refute these charges...but he's in hawaii and all confused about the time zones, and he doesn't realise it's midnight...and as the world watches he turns into a werewolf/vampire who then attacks everybody.

meanwhile, osama should turn up at mecca with his followers, give a rousing speech and barricade himself inside.

what else?
oh yes, osama says he is controlling mobile nukes - nukes which will destroy infidels - unless america converts to islam and israel and all of muslim world is vacated by jews/americans.

clearly desperate times call for a hero. is kerry our man? unfortunately he has just discovered that mitterand is his secret father, and thus going through a personal crisis of his own. the world waits, but kerry can't seem to make up his mind...

while we wait for kerry, action is required. a new hero.

step forward saddam hussein.
The moody Saddam makes a declaration. "I will stop both the anti-christ and osama! But only once I finish writing my latest romance novel."
while these amazing events take place, a humble accountant sits at his desk in a dull colourless office. his boss frowns at him, and the story sadly gets suppressed for several hours while cbsnews verifies its authenticity.
It was earlier discovered that bush is antichrist and cheney a vampire and werewolf combined.

Parts of Liberal media jumps to bush's defence, arguing that antichrist is a persecuted minority, and anyway church is separate from state. meanwhile, fox argues blood sucking vampirism is just good old capitalist values and the american way. traditional red neck america isn't taking any of this crap, and marches with their 2nd amendment shotguns and assault guns to white house.

But cheney hasn't been doing nothing this four years. Halliburton has contaminated army's food supply in last four years, and the US Military are all vampire zombies, controlled to do their master's bidding! Bush declares a state of emergency, dismisses congress, and the military takeover the country.

There is further crisis when it is discovered that the flu vaccines also contain the zombie virus. Fortunately most of the recipients are old people, and easily shot. Thank god for vaccine crisis !
Having suspended democratic government and ruling by military force, bush administration continues to be in the seat of power.

bush comes on tv and responds in open defiance to osama's ultimatum:
We will win this crusade, Bin Laden. If you think you can threaten America by nuking the democratic strongholds of New York, Los Angeles and Boston, then I say Bring it On! Do your worst !

My fellow americans, we must defend ourselves against this bearded menace...saddam hussein, osama bin laden, al gore after the election...henceforth all beards are illegal.

And oh yes, the bombing of Mecca will commence in 5 minutes"
meanwhile, out there in number 10, the prime minister sits behind a closed
door.... in the commons there is commotion.... and in the cabinet room there
is confusion... to be sure, there's confusion in mr blair's mind too - see,
he's growing horns, and his feet are turning into hoofs....
fidel castro isn't happy with any of this....that son of a bush anti christ wants to ban the beard on the grounds of an axis of beard evil, but Castro can't even make the list when saddam and al gore can! He angrily chomps on a romeo y julietta cigar and plans revenge.

what will castro do?
american airplanes reach mecca. they circle hungrily. the believers below pray fervently to the guardian. al-jazeera captures the whole event live, and the whole muslim world sees what happens next week.

just at the moment the missiles are launched, four holy qurans appear in the sky. they shoot out lasers, destroying the infidel planes and missiles. the believers and the mecca are safe.

Everyone jumps up and cheers "Allah -u Akbar !!"