Sunday, February 12, 2006

The virility sandwiches

Mullah Hantush the sandwich maker of Makkah. He is a well known figure. So well known that people coming to Makkah for pilgrimage would go to his shop after performing their rituals.

He was famous for making the most deliciously virile sandwiches ever. No kidding…impotents had become potent…the depressed felt rejuvenated. Word had spread among the impotent community. The sandwiches made sex life better even for the ones suffering from erectile dysfunction.

Located outside of the Holy Mosque, this corner shop had more people queuing than the Holy Black Stone itself. A small concern for the Mosque wardens, but conveniently ignored as Mullah Hantush looked after them especially.

Working in home of Allah with no opening or closing hours and streaming milieu of hundreds and thousands of pilgrims every day, the wardens had their own share of bedroom stresses which mullah Hantush had relieved them of!

The sandwiches were simple local bread (sambouli-variation of French bread) stuffed with cheese marmalade and meat. But inside was something else which no person could ever figure out. A tasteless substance, not even Mullah’s wife knew the recipe.

Imam Nasruddin hearing of the famous shop decided to investigate for himself. Not believing that a sandwich maker could make such effective medicine for erectile dysfunction, while he being the Grand Master of all Hakims had no such cure in years of practice! This could surely put him out of business.

So one day Imam disguised as a beggar enters the shop of Hantush. He hangs around begging in the name of Allah. Hantush shoos him thinking…’dirty old man will spread infections’.

The old man persists and asks ‘ What sell you my son!?’ ….Hantush exasperated that richer customers may avoid entering seeing a dirty old man inside ‘ None that concerns you old man….you need money to buy what I have. Far from knowing what I sell in the first place!’ Go away! you are scaring my customers off.

Reluctantly Hantush tries to push the man out. The old man resists. Just as the two scuffle to the door, a loud braying sound of a donkey comes from inside the shop….Dhainchoo!..Dhenchoo!

Hantush taken aback slightly…..but the beggar takes his robe off revealing a well dressed Mullah Nasruddin. Exclaiming, Aha! I have got you sonny! You are selling donkey meat in these sandwiches. Now I know how you cheat the people. You sell Forbidden meat which causes high rate of blood flow to the penis and you call it medicine!

Mullah Hantush even more shocked at the accusation blurts ‘this is not for slaughtering you buffoon mullah. This is my personal donkey’

Well we will let the police and Qazis decide that my fake friend, shouts Nasruddin.

A police man standing nearby hears the shouts an approaches the source of the sound.

Naqeeb (Captain) Khalid recognizes the familiar face of Hantush, his old friend (who has supplied him with free lunches of his delicious drug before heading home for daily Siestas) struggling with a well dressed Imam holding a dirty cloth at the entrance to the shop.

What’s the matter Mullah Hantush?! Inquired Khalid. Does this man trouble you?

It is Mullah hantush who troubles all of us! Interjects the Imam sarcastically. He sells donkey meat! And the proof is the donkey inside the shop! And how no one else can make such sandwiches except him, were it not for the forbidden meat he uses!

Khalid’s expression looks aghast. He turns to Hantush ‘Is it True Mullah?’ asking a bit more sternly.

Its all lies my friend Khalid! The donkey is for personal use, I ride home on it every night! This imam is jealous of my success!

People gather around. A huge argument breaks. Some defend the mullah for he has given them a new life. While some curse the Mullah.

I respect you Mullah, however this man’s accuasations are serious. But they will be dealt by the Qazis in local district Majlis-e-Shoura tomorrow. For now I will have to fine you for tying an animal in restaurant premises, which breaks the hygiene and safety laws within the Mosque limits.

Khalid turns to Imam Nasruddin ‘you can address any issues you have tomorrow’. Please do not make a scene here in front of the Holy Harem. All of you return to your business. All will be dealt with tomorrow morning. Mullah…you will have close the shop now to avoid further problems. Bring this donkey as evidence before the Qazis tomorrow.

The day of Majlis-e-Shoura arrives. A huge crowd has gathered outside and within the Majlis complex. The place is buzzing with excited people, discussing the implications of the the accusation of donkey meat being real!

As the Qazis enter, the doorman announces their arrival and asks the people within the complex to settle down.

‘Let the defendant come forth’ orders the Head Qazi. Mullah Hantush steps forth holding the donkey’s reins in his right hands.

All Qazis gasp in their breaths. They all are regular customers of this man. But impartiality is above personal relationships in law. They try focus back at the case in hand.

‘What is the matter?’ Inquires one judge.

Imam jumps in the middle of the courtroom. ‘Your Honour! this Mullah Hantush is a fake. He deceives us all and poisons us by selling donkey meat in the name of better virility. I want to apply these various charges against him.

First, He is corrupting our society and youth. What he sells is war against Allah. If Allah wills you to have less virility, Mullah’s sandwiches provide you a way to bypass Allah’s will.

Be rational O Imam’ interjects mullah. I only sell a cure. If you could not come up with a cure why do you frame me?!!!

Secondly, he is selling donkey meat, continues the Imam. As we all know donkey meat causes high blood rush to the penis. But isn’t donkey Forbidden O respectable Qazis!?

What proof do you have!? Inquires one Qazi?

Sir! Not only did he have donkey tied in his shop but also the taste of the sandwiches is different from regular meat.

The Qazis murmur excitedly among themselves.

I object! Your Honor…It is only the medicine which makes the meat taste different.

‘I wish to prove this by making a demonstration. A donkey will never eat its own kind. It will eat anything else except donkey meat. I will present the sandwich to the donkey. If he doesnot eat it, then I am guilty of all charges! ‘

Ha! Exclaims Imam Nasruddin… ‘Donkeys are vegetarians. How can it eat any other meat in first place?’

Honorable Judges! This donkey is special. It is a species from the Indus valley in Punjab, presented by the my 5th father-in-law on the wedding day. It is trained to eat all kinds of food except donkeys. As you can see from the color it is not a local Arab donkey which eats only dates.

Hmm…Your explanation seems reasonable. Let the demonstration be, orders the Head Qazi.

The mullah drags the donkey in the middle of the Majlis, next to the podium where the Qazis are seated. Four people are told to hold the rope tied to each of donkey’s legs, as the side effects of the sandwiches could be devastating with a loose donkey.

Young Ahmad is holding one of the ropes. He assists his uncle Bannaga in the look after of Majlis. Although he doesn’t understand the implications of the case, he is involved and absorbing everything closely.

As the donkey is fed the sandwich, young Ahmad could not believe his eyes. The donkey started growing a fifth leg! On its own…growing.gowing…until it nearly touched the ground.

People are laughing around him. He does not understand why they laugh at a donkey growing another leg so instantly. As the donkey brayed and kicked his leg, Ahmad too shocked with this miracle, let go of the rope!

The donkey kicked harder, and is let loose….Whats more! Directly in front of him is the Head Qazi, shell shocked! The donkey heads directly for him. The Majlis is in an uproar. People start running out. A general panic ensues. Nobody bothers to help the Head Qazi who is hobbling around to save his fat ass from the donkey.

Mullah! Do something!!…shouts the Head Qazi. Mullah Hantush smiles in his moustaches…’I donot have a cure for this Honorable Qazi. Let nature take its course and time!!!

But have you made a decision O Honorable Sir!!? Inquire Mullah

I declare a Mistrial!!! Help! Help!....Exclaims the Qazi trying to jump out of the window.