Tuesday, April 24, 2007

The Hunt for Mullah Omar

Amar Akbar Anthony have joined The War on Terror, and launched our own sophisticated pysch-ops programme. We begin by issuing an all-points alert for the sinister Mullah Omar. Alert follows:


Mullah Mohammad Omar

Credible and highly placed intelligence sources have revealed new intelligence on the possible location of the missing Mullah Mohammad Omar, fugitive leader of Jihad International and self-styled Amir-ul-Momineen, Commander of the Faithful.

Intelligence indicates that Mullah Omar is in one of the metropolises of the Western world, from where he keeps track of the enemy, guides the faithful, and drives a Taxi. This ties in with what we know of his past - that he was a taxi driver in Toronto before ISI picked him up and made him head of the Taliban.

The taxi-ranks of New York, Sydney, Wellington, London, Nottingham and Toronto are considered especially susceptible to infiltration by Mullah Omar the Taxi Driver, due to suspicious and recurring travel patterns noted among known Taleban sympathisers to these cities.

Readers in these cities are advised to watch out for suspicious Desi taxi-drivers, and report them to the authorities. A file photo is provided above for your reference, but further indicators to help you identify the Mullah are given below:

1. The Mullah will be wearing dark sun-glasses, even at night, in order to hide his one bad eye. He is also likely to be a very poor and dangerous driver, due to a lack of depth perception. He will often be found speeding over the limit, for he follows no law but Allah's. He also does not bother with wearing a seat belt, as a sign of his faith in Allah.

2. Another visual identifier of the Mullah could potentially be his big beard. But as any Desi with a beard in the West is nowadays automatically labelled a terrorist, the Mullah, a master of deception and subterfuge, would presumably have already been caught if he still had a beard. We therefore conclude that the Mullah is now clean shaven in appearance, though pschologists think that due to force of habit, he may still make sub-consicious scratching and stroking motions below his chin. This is something to look out for in your taxi driver.

3. Another sign of Mullah Omar will be the music being played. Mullah Omar had previously banned music in Afghanistan, and has no taste or love for music. He may therefore be playing obscure 70s hits or other out of character tunes in an attempt to maintain his disguise by listening to music, without realising the different varities of music there are. Real Desi Taxi Drivers of course only listen to Religious stuff or Bollywood Hits. If your taxi driver is listening to something else, you must ask yourself the question - could this man be Mullah Omar?

4. Lastly, Mullah Omar is likely to always be talking on a cell phone, from which he is directing his troops in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Watch out for taxi drivers who always seem to be on the phone and have lots of international phone cards.

If, after considering all the above factors, you start to suspect that your taxi driver is Mullah Omar, please exercise extreme care and caution. The real Mullah Omar is armed and dangerous, with a fully loaded AK47 under the driver's seat. Please therefore do not upset him, do not blaspheme against Allah, do not get drunk and vomit in his car, and always pay the taxi fare in full, with a 10% Tip extra.

Once you are safely away from Mullah Omar's taxi, you should note the Taxi's license plate number and immediately call us on the Toll Free Number XX XXX XXX XXX.

Citizens and Readers - Please be Careful, and Always Watch your Taxi Driver.