On (profiling) the Hyderabadis….

Indian Hyderabadis that is –not the Pakistan side Sindhi Hyderabadis. Sindhis are too cunning and nice to be Indian. Look at Bhutto –what a nice cunning guy!!

Having spent two years of my career so far sitting next to one and interacting with 5 others on a daily basis, I have a fair idea to be able to write something on Hyderabadi ‘muslim’ men and their ways.

In short, they are the kind who perform ablution not to pray but to eat biryani or kichdi (a kind of lentil mixed with rice concoction –fed in Pakistan to the poor and constipated) depending on day of the week. Generally it is a Tuesday or it could also be a ‘ChaarShamba’ –(a weird hyderabadi word for Wednesday as opposed to the standard Urdu -budh).

Both ways the biryani begins the day and kichdi ends it. In between come the lethargy, pussy and insatiable cunning ‘pull your pant down along with your leg’ kind of jealousy –especially at workplace.

Sitting next one, I realized the importance of keeping good relations with your Mamu (maternal uncle) –especially if he is a land owning multi millionaire – note owning land is not a credit for talent –jus the bastard’s luck.

Second –as soon as you get a decent job –GET MARRIED.

Food and marriage can be such emotional issue for my Hyderabadi friends, to the point of their ego being hurt. Although a common desi understanding is that if a man hasn’t married by 33 -35, he must be gay or have a weakness.

Well for Hyderabadis, it’s all the above and it’s the exclusion from the group of friends who used to be single and biryani mates and now are married. It is the silent accusative sense of being an outcast.

And as for food, if you manage to forget to invite a friend to your wedding reception, it can mean years of kichdi situation with the friend.

With their typical high pitched nasal accent, Hyderabadis can be one trusted Pakistani loyalist. Take the 1992 cricket world cup. When Pakistan won, most of Hyderabad celebrated the win – some say at a grander scale than the Pakistanis. Who celebrated Pakistani nukes in India? Hyderabadis. Whose fission material is being used in a Hyderabadi Nuclear Plant- the one and only Pakistan’s Dr. A.Q. Khan. (facts not verified).

Only if they knew what a fantastic roller coaster they would be on had they moved to Pakistan.

Somehow understanding Hyderabadis enabled me to a slightly to understand the working meaning of life. It just is. That’s how things are for them and that’s how you are supposed to deal with it.

There is no life is too short, life planning, or what am I doing in this world kind chasing your tail questions. Sweet and practical –the ones who do turn out to be philosophical turn into match fixing Azharuddins. The ones who go haywire by divorcing a wife of 10+ yrs for a hot model –sensible thing to do for some or maybe carrying around a wad of cash in their cricket gear bag enabling them to buy their roommate’s watch off their wrist- simply out of whim or fancy.

When married –they are self educated in dealing with wives – one has to cajole them, negotiate persuade. You marry because you friend/class fellow 'Rizwan' married. You marry for kids, to expand the generation. All that talk about true love, mutual understanding, altruistic orientations, sacrifice, and companionship is nonsense – practical is the way to go.

And as every hyderabadi phrase to confirm understading of the above ends with - HOU!?