Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Fatwa for the Protection of the Islamic Identity of Cricket in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan

Fatwa for the Protection of the Islamic Identity of Cricket in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. as Jointly Issued by the Beard-Wearing Members of the Pakistan Team, and Custodians of the Two Holy Cricket Grounds (Gaddafi Lahore and National Stadium Karachi)

Praise be to Allah, who created the bat and the ball. Praise be to his prophet, peace be upon him, who made cricket neither haram nor makruh. Praise be to the warrior of Islam Javed Miandad, who gave us victory against the enemy nation with a last ball six. Praise also to the Laws of Cricket, which have the dignity to recognise that a man should wear trousers, and grow his beard. May Allah bless Pakistan and the Pakistan cricket team, and may the grey hairs of wisdom grow on the beard of our captain Shoaib Malik. Brothers and Sisters, worshippers of the one Allah, admirers of the great game of cricket, and citizens of the Islamic republic of Pakistan, you know these are troubled times for our faith, game and nation, as infidel shadows lengthen overhead, and the bright light of Islam fades from the sky. It all began with the replacement of the bearded Mushtaq Ahmed, who led the team prayers, by the wily spinner Kaneria. Then they started to schedule cricket games during Ramadan, and when Shahid Afridi said he could not both pray and observe the Ramadan fast, his commitment was brought into question! Then, our glorious leader Inzamam, wielder of the double-edged bat, khutba-giver on the Friday prayers, was dropped for good, purportedly for bringing the team to the true faith! This is no doubt the instigation of American infidels led by George Bush who command their lap-dog the secular poodle carrying dicator Pervez Musharraf.

Sixty years ago, our ancestors fought for the creation of Pakistan, a nation where Muslims could be Muslims without fear, without hindrance, free to practice and preach their religion. Today we see the mockery of the blood of our martyrs that in this so called Islamic Republic, Muslims are not allowed to say their prayers, and observe the holy month of fasting. Those in charge have forgotten the sacred cry of our ancestors: Pakistan ka matlab kya, la illaha illallah!

We as believers, custodians of the holy pitches and stadiums, wielders of the bat and ball in the name of the green flag, in order to preserve, protect, and promulgate our faith, demand with immediate effect the following rules be implemented to safeguard the Islamic identity of Pakistan cricket:

1. No cricket during the holy month of Ramadan

2. Intervals during all cricket matches to be based around muslim prayer times, not foreign lunch and tea breaks.

3. Separate sitting of men and women at stadiums

4. No wearing of tight trousers or rubbing the ball against crotch, thereby inflaming passions of young virgins.

5. No earrings or foreign hair styles to be adopted by crickters. Instead, an official Mullah-certified barber to be appointed to travel with the team and give proper haircuts and beard-trimmings.

6. The foreign appeal of 'How is that' to be replaced by the cry of 'Inshallah', because Allah is the greatest Umpire. If Allah is willing, the umpire will give it out

7. Shoaib Malik to grow a beard in the example shown by the great Inzaman-ul-Haq, and start leading the Friday prayers.

8. Replacement of techinical Foreign coach with a homegrown khutba-giving Mullah. His inflammatory oratory will be all the motivation our boys need to triumph over their opponents.

Where there is faith, there is no coaching required! Is Jihad fought from the heart, or through a textbook?

9. Crowds to be encouraged to cry out "Allah-u-Akbar" at the fall of every wicket, scoring of ever run, four or six, instead of secular chants like the infernal "Hoo Haa Hoo Haa"

May Allah bless the Pakistan cricket team!