The secret correspondence of the brothers A* and A*

We have recently recovered this exchange of correspondence between the brothers A* and A*. Their obscure expressions and odd style of language seems alien to our modern sensibilities, and it may be that part of the discussion is in fact in a secret code. Certainly the Scholars who have so far inspected the letters, while attesting to their authenticity, have failed to provide any meaningful interpretation of them. One angry Scholar has even suggested that the authors of the letters may in fact just be speaking nonsense. We wholeheartedly agree with the Angry Scholarji.

The first letter:

Dear Dara Sikho

By the Will and Grace of Allah the most merciful, your brother in Islam has reached his destination safely. However as much did the Arab chics lure your brother with their silent beauty, and inspite of the vigorous inspection by the merciless Pakistani female security guard at the check-in counter, your Brother maintained his virginity and awaits a female slave of my right hand in return as gift of my patience.

May this message reach you in peace and may you bear hundreds of kids from the dodgy women of Amsterdam.

Allah O Akbar

Salam and Allah Hafiz

A* yar wali


The Second letter

Dear fratricidal Alamgir Aurangzeb

Has your moustache disappeared due to the inspiration of the prophet, peace be upon him, or because of the hard stares and questions of the bastard bureaucrats of Vilayet?

I am gratified to hear of your safe and timely return to the fortress of Islam, where you will be safe from the unchaste seductresses and temptresses of the wasted west. There in ritual purity you can concentrate on singing the praise of god and earning extravagant tax free salaries as your reward on earth.

Please give my regards to your devout and devoted parents, whose constant prayers and
virtuous lives acted as a prophylactic when their son arrived in the immoral west, protecting him from being impregnated by lustful corruptions and desires, in the same way a condom-shaped Marks and Spencer cap protected your head from the cold.

Since your departure, It has turned much colder here, which would seem to imply that hell has frozen over. We trust that you are in warmth and comfort however.

Allah's curse on all unbelievers,

Yours Sincerely

Your father Shah Jahan.