Sunday, March 18, 2007

Garajti Khabrain : Bazaar Rumours – Basant/Holi Edition

We at AAA Garajti Khabrain noted the exaggerated tabloid trash presented by ‘The news of the world’ and decided to take action in response by offering our readers “authentic” Tabloid news, from everywhere and no where.
We hope you enjoy our debut selection below and look forward to your comments.

Historical Archives

'Gandhi dies a Muslim!

Our History correspondent reports from the archives that Gandhi had secretly converted to Islam just weeks before he was shot, and had been planning a move to Pakistan. Having been persuaded by one of his many so called adopted Muslim sons, he had started fasting to catch up on all the fasts he lost during his infidel days. This was misreported by Influenced news papers as fasting in protest against Muslim mis-treatment at the time, but it was actually Ramadan Fast.

It is also noted, when he was shot, the words from his mouth were not ‘Hey Ram!’, instead it has been proven by witness account he said ‘Bye Ram! Followed by the Islamic Shahadah ‘there is no god but Allah and Muhammad (SAW) is the messenger of Allah.’

Zulfy Bhutto and Zia were gay lovers!!

Zia-ul-Haq the now dead dictator shot Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto in torment, because he was spending more time with Atal Behari Vajpayee the Indian Foreign Minister during Ayub's reign. This was disclosed from secret letters revealed by the sentry standing guard outside his lock up at the time.
The sentry also confirmed the rumour which was published in Salman Rushdie’s book ‘Shame’ about Zia-ul-Haq shooting Zulfy, when Zulfy called his mother names. However, the real reason was the ongoing affair with Atal Behari Vajpayee.
Our correspondent posed the above revelation to Atal Jee, but gave up trying to wait for the answer because it took him 3 hours to open his mouth.

Current Affairs

Osama the masseur!

Osama B. Laden was seen giving champi (masseur/malish) in Old lahore near the Data Darbar. He can also be found distributing Pulao Zarda (kind of Punjabi rice dish) to the worshippers who come to pay respects to Data Ganj Baksh (sufi saint). Nearby Ayman Al Zawahiri was frying samosas and his sons running a Saloon where Mohd. Rafi used to get a hair cut during his younger days.

Benazir holding feminist orgies in Dubai. Sonia Gandhi is chief guest –caught pole dancing.!!!

The now deposed ex-prime minister of Pakistan, celebrated women’s day Oxford Uni style. Women celebrities and politicians attended this bash. Sonia Gandhi of congress party was caught pole dancing after drinking 6 shots of Bombay Sapphire.

Taliban's Secret New Weapon

Taliban are buying kites because they can no longer afford bullets for their Ak-47s. The price of bullets has shot up to Rs45/a bullet in Peshawar, due to high demand among Punjabis wanting to fire guns in the air at weddings, as well as rise of foreign Jihadi groups in the area with fat Saudi-filled wallets! Taliban have decided to invest in a new long-range weapon which they learned to use as refguee children in Lahore -- the long wire Kite. Top Secret Taliban Scientists are still working out how to make Kite invisible to human eye and radar by painting it sky blue.

Shiv Sena camapigns for sexier depiction of Hindu Goddesses
Bal Thackeray claims: Sita's divine breasts a must see!

Shiv Sena have launched a new campaign demanding that Hindu Goddesses be depicted in a sexier manner. Explained Bal Thackeray "Our Hindutva Historians have discovered that conservative dress is a foreign muslim influence. Our scriptures make clear that Sita and Parvati and other Goddesses liked to go topless, and flaunt their divine breasts. But all the statues and images one sees are of them dressed like Mother Teresa! This is not the Hindu way!"

Shiv Sainiks have even been going around town instructing calendar artists, idol-makers and temple priests to replace existing images and idols with new ones featuring greater nudity and titillation.

In light of this, the VHP issued a press statement claiming that Valentine's Day was really a Hindu festival, St Valentine actually being in fact a Bhakti saint. An RSS spokesman said that party agreed with Shiv Sena, and that they would be encouraging young Hindu women to follow the example of the Goddesses and dress more sexily.

Experts report a huge arousal of interest among Indian men at these latest developments.


Shoaib wanted to have knees massaged in UK –Favorite masseuse Ayesha Resides in Eastham is a specialist in massaging fast bowlers’ knees. Ayesha’s mother Zainab used to massage Imran Khan’s knees during his stress fracture times, until her own knees gave way.
Shoaib will also use this opportunity to fly Kite with Ayesha on the roof top of her home. As he will miss Basant back home.

Entertainment News

Salman Rushdie zapped by flying Qurans!

Salman Rushdie the controversial writer of Satanic Verses was found lying unconscious in the British Library. He was rushed to hospital. The librarian has informed us that he was working in the Islam Section where he found Salman on the floor unconscious. He was holding a copy of the Quran and his hands were bleeding through lacerations.

Mr. Rushdie is in coma and the hospital administration has not made any official comments.


Posted by Amar and Akbar