Garajti Khabrain Thundering News: India Declares War on Australia

State of Emergency Imposed; Indian Prime Minister makes Declaration of War.

In Breaking News coming to us from Delhi, India has made a formal Declaration of War against Australia. In stunning scenes carried live across the nation on Doordarshan, the Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh stood on the wall of Delhi's Red Fort with a sword raised in one hand, and declared: This is no monkey business, Yeh Hamara Mulk Hai! Aur Hum Is Ke Jism Par Loot ke Zakham Nahin Dekh Sakte!

Well informed sources from the Defence Ministery say that the Western Fleet of the Indian Navy has already set sail for Perth on Australia's Western Coast to bomb it into submission ahead of the 3rd Test Match. It is believed that the plan is to occupy Western Australia initially and establish a base there, with an autumn offensive to follow against the Sydney and Melbourne Cricket Grounds. Once Australia has been fully captured, it will be renamed Naya Desh and Biharis, Illegal Bangladeshis, Gujarati Muslims, Kashmiri Pundits, BA Graduates and other marginalised sections of society will be encouraged to move there. In Bihar, the first wave of potential emigrants has already started packing their bags and arriving at Patna Bus Station.

The invasion of Australia has near universal support among Indians, and an Indian Victory in Perth will boost the ruling Congress Party's electoral chances. The BCCI is believed to be secretly financing the invasion, as taking over Cricket Australia's infrastructure and players is seen as the best means of increasing Indian Cricket's brand value.

A Congress Party spokesman on condition of anonymity has said that once the invasion is completed, Monkeys will be introduced to Australian continent to make a moral point. "Once these Australians realise what charming animals monkeys are, they will realise that Harbhajan was not being racist. We are a mature and tolerant society, and the Australians should not be so sensitive and touchy. They are clearly over reacting to this incident."

Hear hear!